VERBALISE YOUR THOUGHTS

On the eve..

2012-01-22T11:29:00.001+08:00

It is another year coming to an end. The end of a semi-depressing year, one with many challenges and changes. A year I am happy to see slip away among the shadows.

The start of a new year is the dawn of a new beginning.

For me I have learnt:

my family comes first
to trust my true friends
to treasure every moment we have
that we don't have to go far to be close

So this New Year ( for the second year running) I am celebrating it in my own house. Among the family I love and who love me in return. I need not add to the traffic on our highways. I get to choose who to invite to my home, if at all.

It is a year to focus on me, my family. My Family.

Not my Mom's family nor my husband's family.

Reunion?

Let's reunite with the people who matter most!

Not with those who are obliged to meet up.

Let's start our own traditions - my family tradition.

A new year - breaking free, venturing beyond boundaries set by other people's traditions.

Wishing everyone a Happy Bountiful New Year!

Sin Nian Kwai Lek!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

2 weeks in..

2012-01-16T18:28:00.002+08:00

It's been almost two weeks since the academic year began.

The million dollar question that I get asked is "How is Samad?'

How do I summarise it. It is as all schools are generally - day school, average and nothing to shout about.
In terms of workload - I am in heaven. I don not envy any of my former colleagues in SA as their work load is already mountain high compared to my valley low.

I am not a form teacher - I am a mentor.
I am not the Head of English - just an ordinary English teacher with 5 classes under her belt. That is 5 classes x 5 periods = 25 periods a week. My timetable is spread in such a way that the only day they can possibly give me relief is on a Monday, if the are kind.

The classes that I teach? 3 classes of form 2 and 2 classes of f4. I have only one gifted class which I treasure like an oasis in a parched desert. The others range from mediocre to elementary. I say elementary cos they have not even acquired basic skills like the simple past tense. I have to completely revamp my teaching style and expect less. As long as work is done, collected and marked I am happy. And they have learnt after 2 weeks, that Pn Su fills up the board completely and expects work by the end of the lesson. LOL - that much hasn't changed.

So the only class I can do anything creative with is my gifted one. I hope I have inspired them. But that doesn't mean I have given up on the others. I will push and shove and they will get the message in the end. However, the work is physically draining.

I come home and am whacked. Is it age? But the best part is I have the luxury to come home and nap rather than work to death in SA. The fact that I have no paperwork, no proposals, no Human Management, no kowtowing to management, nothing except planning my lessons and marking = heaven!

So the answer to the million dollar question - I am fine, Samad is fine, I will find my place there.

Baby steps..

2011-12-27T21:58:00.000+08:00

I woke early after a night of nervous sleep. Hoping I'd find the place. Praying I wouldn't be late. Wishing I would fit in. Coffee didn't taste the same. No one saw me out the door. Apprehensive, I drove off.

I got there with ample spare time. I drove around, found 2 shortcuts and parked in an open space, wondering what to do next. Being new is hard. Lonely. Scary.

After 10mins, people drove in and I felt awkward sitting in the car, anti-social. So I got out and walked to the office. Couldn't thumb in as I was new but there was nowhere to sign in. Disappointed, I walked away.
Friends greeted each other with ease. Catching up after 2 months, they joked and laughed, widening the gap. It didn't feel right to intrude. So I sat by myself, not wanting to stare, I looked the other way, trying to calm myself. Strange. Does everyone go through this?

Suddenly the noise subsides, and the ladies have disappeared. A man walks past and we pick up a conversation, only to find out he's new too.Then a senior arrives and says hello, to direct me to where the ladies have adjourned - to pick up the essential books and guides.On the way, I see a few friendly faces. Smiles are exchanged and most try to peer at my name tag. Don't think they can pronounce it though.

After picking up the stuff, I walk off to the walkway where everyone is congregated to check up on the responsibilities expected of me. Page by page, I scan for my name, my smile growing wider as I hardly see it anywhere. More smiles and a few come by to say hello. Mostly senior teachers. Surprised about my transfer but discreet enough not to ask.

Someone leads the pack and we wander off guided by invisible sheepdogs. The journey ends at a doorway. The door scratches my arm as if to say 'orientation'. I find myself a seat and move towards the wall, leaving space for others. The friendly face from before sits with me but her attention is drawn away by other friends. The mic is tested followed by a prayer. Then the BOSS speaks without the mic and everyone seems to be paying attention. As I look around, it is but an illusion. She drones on, alone, and unfriendly. Not a very convincing orator.

The second speaker is much better, not ear-piercing she jars me awake by asking the newbies to proffer a brief introduction. I am second in line and asked to rectify the pronunciation of my name. Typical. And then I speak - in English and everyone gives me the eye as if to say 'How brave'. Unperturbed, I carry on and say that I am from Sri Aman and eyes widen. The rest is a blur.

I guess I will know more by tomorrow.
Overall, it was an interesting experience but one I would not like to repeat in the near future.
Goals to be achieved, find a nest to settle in and learn how to be a class teacher again.

Is this the end?

2011-12-20T14:00:00.002+08:00

After 7 long but wonderful years, touching many lives, my tenure at this workplace draws to a close as I am moved to a place which hopefully will appreciate my services and expertise.

It is indeed hard to say goodbye, especially when we are mentally unprepared to leave. A myriad of emotions run through my head every time I stop to catch a breath, every time there is a quiet lull and a tear will fill my heart.

People ask why this is happening. I too have asked the same question. The only answer that come is the fact that I can do good wherever I go. God's hand is there to guide me. So I relent and accept. I do not fight. That has always been the case from day one of my career. I ask, He gives. And there has never been a mistake yet.

Through this episode, I have learnt that many people care for me. I have found out things about myself I never realised. I have noticed that professionally, I am accepted and been told that I am and easy and cool 'boss' to work with. Yet there are friends who cannot bring themselves to say more than goodbye. Sigh!

My fears:

Will I fit in?
Will I have friends?
Do I remember how to teach boys?
How will I survive without my friends?
Will I lose touch with my friends?

My blessings:

I have confirmed the friends I hold dear.
My students do treasure me.
I do not have to super perform anymore.
I don't have a panel to LORD over anymore.
I can be ordinary again.

My hopes:

I will have more time for my family.
I will have a lesser workload(administrative).
The pressures of performance decreases.
I will get to enjoy pure teaching again.
I will be able to breathe again.

Sighs and wonder fill my mind. There are a million questions with no answers at hand. And yet I have faith He will look after me.

I envy my friends, the ones I leave behind, because they still have each other. I on the other hand will be alone. Who is there to hold my hand? Who do I turn to when I am afraid? Who will laugh with me? Or cry with me? Or understand me?

I know am strong. I know I can do it. And most importantly, I know I will survive.

Why?

Because I love teaching. I love the fact that for 40 mins or so, the 40 students are all mine. To inspire, to excite, to challenge and to love.

So it is not the end but a new beginning.

Man!

2011-11-11T21:53:00.001+08:00

Oh no!

With only one week to go and another bomb has dropped on our laps.

Aaarrggghhhh!

Help!

Pfffttt...

2011-11-04T23:59:00.002+08:00

This is what is left of my bouncy castle as it is attacked by the various forces in their attempt to disintegrate.

Lesson of the day:

Relationships cannot weather being taken for granted.

The hurt tears apart the bond and little holes which seemed so insignificant are magnified when joined. After all, who can survive when a shotgun with a thousand pellets are released at full force.

I have always known the power of silence.

And yet, all my good intentions of remaining silent in order to not say the wrong thing, to cause unnecessary pain and hurt was all for naught.

It was misconstrued as an accusation; a judgement - one that did not allow a defence.

It was never meant to be that way.

Yes we have all stumbled.

Is it the end? Can we not pick ourselves up, dust of the dirt and continue? I am not asking to forget. Nay - we should remember this incident - so that it is never repeated.

I wish we could huddle and cry - to wash away the pain.

But in dishing out silence, i have met with a wall of silence.

Bouncy Castles

2011-10-20T08:57:00.002+08:00

Have you ever been in a bouncy castle?

I doubt there are many who read this who will say No.

It is a child's joy to jump up and down, around and about, trying hard to avoid knocking into another and laughing if he does.

The more people there are, the more fun it is.

You can even climb up and down, slide down and crawl through tunnels and then continue bouncing up and down.

Let's not forget the thrill of seeing who can bounce higher.

Energy abounds and one never gets tired of jumping. Of course even if you were tired there is no chance of lying down cos someone is bound to jump or fall or trip on you while bouncing about.

By now, you must be scratching your head, wondering where I am heading with this post.

I love bouncing about. The more air in the castle, the better.

Unfortunately, I have realised that someone or maybe some people at work are letting the air out out my castle.

Slowly but surely.

The fun is less, the security is diminishing.

Though we try injecting fresh air occasionally, the castle has lost its bounce.

Changing directions

2011-08-17T20:36:00.002+08:00

Of late, I have realised that job satisfaction has taken a dip.

Having said that, a door opened to me in the light of this dip and having tested the water, I quite like what I see and have decided to focus my energy in this new direction.

After all, if my heart isn't in it fully, I don't work at my optimum level.

Perhaps with this change, I will see better returns, be appreciated more and find myself useful to society after all.

Epiphany

2011-07-21T10:25:00.004+08:00

I have it!

It came to me like lightning.

And eureka - i understand now..finally!

It is not meant to be. I have to let go.

I miss the days when I was trusted to do a good job.

Trust is priceless.

When trust is yanked away, life loses meaning.

If I cannot be trusted to do the things entrusted to me in the first place, then I am not needed.

So thank you for the experience of 2 and a half years.

I now tender my resignation and relinquish all control of an aimless ship.

Of hurdles..curved balls & disappointment

2011-07-12T21:49:00.003+08:00

It is hard to understand 'potential' as seen by another. It is something so abstract and elusive as it may or may not materialise. Yet when people see such potential and endeavour to realise it in another, one can't help but wonder at their motives, ulterior or otherwise. And when they start the ball rolling, the one with 'potential' may feel like they are being manipulated in ways that are less than desirable.

My potential has led me to a steeplechase in my career.

It is riddled with potholes, hurdles, humps and curved balls - just to mention a few.

People always see potential - something I know I possess and I utilise when it suits me. After all, it is MY potential right?

And yet my sights though far is very stable, very sensible, very concrete. I know what I want, what I don't want and this knowledge has posed a problem to many.

When I say yes - I give my all.

When I say no - I mean NO.

I am this straightforward.

However, some people who profess to KNOW me, choose to overlook this character trait in me. They feel that I can be manipulated for the greater good. The question remains - whose greater good? Mine or theirs?

This simple act of saying NO is something I have learnt from Hard Knocks University, mainly for self-preservation. For without this ability, one is often used and over-used by all sorts.

I believe it takes courage to be able to say NO.

And when someone says NO, it should be respected, not belittled.

Most importantly, saying NO does not make me a negative person. Contrary to that, being able to say NO shows that I am able to weigh the good and the bad, the pros and the cons, the should versus the should nots. Is that not an admirable quality?

I will not apologise for the fact that I am not an apple polisher.

Neither am I a sucker for apple polishers.

I will not apologise for not being a YES man.

I do not believe in doing unnecessary work, for the glory of another or others.

I am sorry for disappointing some parties who seem to have a misconception of who I am.

I can change.

I choose NOT to. (for now)

On the home front

2011-06-28T12:31:00.003+08:00

It has been a super duper challenging week with inspectorates at work scrutinising every nook and cranny. They have not bothered me at all, for which I am ever grateful, but they had a field time knocking us to the ground - or so they hoped. We are undefeated, instead challenged to rise above it all and better ourselves. ( LOL - all hype)

BUT...

on the home front, my 12-year-old has been the victim of a bullying teacher. Her ego is so huge that she has turned her attention on him for daring to question her proficiency and capabilities as an English teacher. My son has a wide vocabulary and during the mid-year exam, was penalised for answering some questions wrongly. This wrong is according to the teacher. When questioned, he explained his choices of answers rationally and inadvertently caused her to feel embarrassed in front of the class. This was the beginning of the episode.

Although he had apologised for embarrassing her, she has turned all her attention on him and has been constantly picking on him for misdemeanours. The climax was when he was caught talking during some work time and was accused of saying the F word at her. He denies this incident even happened but was forced to do his work on the floor, stripped of his prefect's tie (for which I had paid) and then suspended from duty for a week.

All this decided by hers truly. No trial, no defence, she is judge and jury.

As if this is not enough, she gets witnesses in the form of the head prefect and asst head prefect (who are seated far away) to testify that he had mouthed the F word. Didn't she accuse him of saying it? Now it is mouthed? Did he even whisper it? She would surely have heard that too.

Where are the parents in all this - i hear you ask.

Well, we took the non-confrontational approach. We talked to the PK1, the prefect teacher and his class teacher. The first was completely unaware. The second and third have never had any problems with my son. They are just as shocked but seemed reluctant to fight the English teacher who is also the Head of Discipline.

Before any other step can be taken, the English teacher storms into his class during Science and promptly announces that he is unfit to continue as a prefect and should be removed completely. Then she tries to manipulate the class to agree with her that he had mouthed the F word. Children at 12 will attest to anything when coerced by the discipline teacher, don't you think? After all who would want to mess with an unreasonable dragon? SO the half that had full view of his BACK agreed that he had mouthed the F word. Super vision!

And to further antagonise the situation, she spews out the fact that on open day, my husband had walked past her without even confronting her - as if to say we are too afraid of her.

Her ego started this all. And we all know pride comes before a fall. How is she going to face the class when my son is reinstated as a prefect? How will she be able to stand tall in front of the class after this incident?

I am a teacher. I know no good will come out of this situation, whoever wins or loses. What more will she inflict on my son? What about my daughter who may one day pass under her nose?

Let us pray for grace.

Drained

2011-06-20T22:50:00.004+08:00

After today, I feel I have lost in the battle of holding my fort and keeping my fellow soldiers united.

Somehow, although we can laugh together, joke about certain stuff and work towards a common goal, an invisible line has been drawn - not by me but I guess I have contributed to it in some way.

When I try to lead and am ambushed, all good intention is washed out in the rain.

I say the things no one wants to say, least of all want to hear. But some things need to be said, in order to get things right.

Justice must prevail. If everyone were to carry their own weight, wouldn't things be easier for all concerned? It isn't fair that someone else has to pick up the mess. And silence doesn't answer the whys nor does it apologise to the people who have been wronged.

However, it is quite easy to shut me up. Just don't take people for granted.

My rantings are a tad confusing and cryptic. They are done on purpose.

I find it hard - although I always have my ever faithful friends who try to back me up (professionally) somehow, the bigger seat still wins.

I am not defeated. I am just tired. After all, who can blame me, when we were meant to be in the same boat. Whatever happened to TEAM???

Disillusioned

2011-06-16T15:27:00.003+08:00

I am tired.

I don't like my work.

Teaching, I love. But not the rest of it.

I don't like what it has made me.

There is no time to think.

There is only do, do, do and more DO.

I need a breath of fresh air.

Chasing the illusive dream

2011-05-19T16:52:00.006+08:00

It is the season for peers to chase after the esteemed Guru Cemerlang title.

I have been asked to apply for it - not only this year but several years now. Personally, I wouldn't. Wondering why?

Well, correct me if I am wrong, if I am an expert/super teacher - should I not be selected and awarded such a prestigious title? Why would I want to apply for the post? Do I have to blow my own trumpet and suck up to those in authority for such a title? Am I subject to observation by people outside of my workplace, people who care NOT for the welfare of my students?

Those are just some of the many reasons why I have not applied for GC- ship.

And to add insult to injury, some of those who have succeeded nationwide, are not even qualified to be doing what they are. Of course, I say this loosely, as there are many worthy of the title and make our nation proud.

Yet, there is no necessity to look beyond our own backyard - there are some subjects which require expert teachers and there are some subjects which do not. For example, what is the necessity of having an expert PJK teacher who shouts at people to make them cower and shake and yet cannot follow the simplest instruction of having classes on the field and not in a cemented area? What is the point of having an expert teacher who is hardly ever around and unburdens all his/her responsibilities on the rest of the panel and then wait for the spotlight to shine on him/her at the end of the year, after results? Of course there are those who can't even work the sorter/stapler without getting into trouble. So much for the expert who is willing to teach but not learn.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against expert teachers.

I am all for them - IF their core business is education - education of students - a life-long vocation. Not for their own glory. When abused, all they do is bring down those who have worked so hard to make the title prestigious. Our goal should be to uphold those who truly deserve the title based on merit, something very lacking in this society.

So excuse me for not applying. It doesn't make me any less a teacher than the next GC.

Stepping back

2011-05-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

It has come to my attention that some people are threatened by my presence.

Well, I am present. I am not invisible nor am I mute. I will be seen and heard. Deal with it.

If it helps you feel more secure, throw me an anchor so that i will sink and you can shine.

It's not like I'm ambitious. I don't want a pedestal nor do I want fame or glory.

You can have all the limelight, even the responsibility.

I will step back and not get in your way. But I will be unhappy.

Leave me alone.

Shaken

2011-04-30T11:32:00.002+08:00

I have been leading a pretty comfortable life, at work.

And for the past 2 weeks, it has been shaken.

I have been sent away, amisdt much protest. Away on a 3 day

meeting then another workday away.

It makes life unsettling and yet there is a tinge of excitement.

What have I learnt?

I missed my friends and students.
I missed being in class.

I missed the cheerful faces of my students anticipating the day's lesson.

I missed talking and chatting with them.

BUT.. the plus points:

they learn NOT to take my presence for granted
they learn there is much more work when I am not around
they learn to appreciate time spent in class

In short - they missed me too.

I know this from the silly grin they have on their faces when they do see me and the greetings they have for me are priceless.

I love teaching.

I may be shaken from my comfort zone but I am proud to be a teacher.

Silence

2011-04-23T15:51:00.000+08:00

It's pretty loud.

Power?

2011-04-08T10:48:00.002+08:00

This week - it has been shoved in my face that I have power in my workplace.

I DISAGREE!

I may have powerful friends, but I am NOT powerful.
I may be loud and influential but power I have NOT nor do i seek it.

I guess my loudness speaks volumes.

I change people and their perceptions of things in and around us. I convince them that they have to think about certain things.

So POWER is not what I have cos with power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, some people with this so-called power oftentimes misuse or abuse that right. And that is when the common folk, like me suffer.

I have been accused behind my back of being instrumental in removing some unwanted people. I have not been given the privilege to explain or asked to my face if I was, but I can assure everyone in this world that I exact no such power. I was only informed after the fact and was not in any position to do anything about it or to inform any of those involved. Sigh!

The only power I do acknowledge having is that over my students' faculties. I had a wonderful time in class yesterday when I opened 22 people's eyes over things that affect them and how apathetic they have become. And in this class which started with the topic of Acid Rain, I have come to remember how and why I love being a teacher.

Thanks - 5SD!

Sick!

2011-04-01T10:37:00.003+08:00

I have been sick and getting sicker this week and there was no chance of taking the day of to get better at all till Thursday. It is getting to the point of ridiculous - to have to postpone sickness.

Briefly, on Monday - panel meeting which I was chairing - so no chance of skiving.
On Tuesday - Lit class - seems like we're always missing class for some reason or another - so I couldn't give it up.
On Wednesday - Observation and Taekwondo - who else but me??
SO TIRED.

Every night I am coughing and coughing, disturbing not only myself but anyone in the room. The phlegm turns a darker shade as the days go by. My throat is so sore, it feels like sandpaper and just swallowing saliva - HURTS.

Finally - Thursday - get to go see the doctor who makes me beg for a MC. Nasty. So I get one miserable day. And still I go to work at 6.45pm cos the Lit girls were going for Lady Swettenham at Carcosa Seri Negara. And it was well-worth it - the solo actress was fantastic.

She portrayed the wife of Frank Swettenham and we realised that historically, she is hardly mentioned and never photographed. She is controlled from birth first by her parents and then by her husband. She is married off to lessen her parents' burden and lands in a faraway land, hot and mosquito ridden, ever-willing to live a life of adventure only to be disappointed by a husband who is hardly home. She lives on the edge, always waiting for his untimely return willing herself to insanity. She finally steps over the border and is shipped back to England to avoid embarrassment. She receives news of her divorce through the newspaper and is devastated, hence the walk through memory lane.

Yes this was the highlight of the week, so I was glad I willed myself to go. I hope my students enjoyed it as much as I did.

On the home front, my eldest found his efforts in studies need to be worked on. He is disappointed to say the least. I hope this realisation helps him prioritise. My would-be footballer, lost most of his matches for the week and the team has been ousted from the district competitions. Now his focus is on the Marching competition for KRS next Saturday. He is turning browner as we speak. My girl however is at this moment competing in the Action Song (Round 2). All dolled up, she is a sight for sore eyes. They changed their costumes with the hopes of looking more professional, and for their sakes, I hope they win!

This week is long and tiring, full of anxiety and I feel tired to the bone. And yet it is only Friday. I still have to work 8 - 4 tomorrow as we are hosting a seminar cum workshop for the new Literature Component. Teachers from other schools will be benefitting from our hardwork and I hope the don't feel it is a waste of time. As for some others, I wish they would learn to be a little more self-sacrificing. Enough said.

P.S Elle's team didn't win but they had fun and that's all that matters in the end.

This week..phew!

2011-03-24T10:16:00.003+08:00

This is one of the most hectic weeks of 2011 probably because it's not about me and way beyond my control.

Just when I thought I was recharged from a great 4 day holiday, things go haywire.

SPM results - wonderful to see the girls, the results were fantastic, tears of joy and some sorrow, hugs and pats on the back
SBT officers visit - today - to see if we qualify for new deals???
More reports to finish - crapology?
Alex has choral speaking competition (zone level) - practices all day and everyday- emerges 3rd of the lot which is great but does not qualify for district level (bummer)
Nicky makes school football team (yay) - practices everyday (rain or shine) and competitions coming up - comes home all muddy and dead tired
Elle is in the action song competition - practices everyday, costumes and makeup, competition today
Celebrating my 16th anniversary with my wonderful husband on Friday!

It's so exciting yet so stressful.

The hardest part - the realisation that my children are all growing into their own right, with their own lives and dreams (of this I am proud and grateful) and I have to learn to step back. It is something every parent strives for from the day their children are born - to help them achieve independence - and the glory is when they fly the coop - yet it happens too fast.

And then you wish they would grow a little slower.

Just like Taylor Swift's song - never grow up.

It is a joy to be a parent - awfully tiring - but ultimately a JOY!

March already?

2011-03-11T17:06:00.004+08:00

It's been weeks I know and the best bit of the last 2 weeks is that I am on top of my workload.

I have finished marking 3 classes of exams, sorted out various competitions and assigned tasks to my team, made ultimate decisions and kept on top of the game. I stayed away from the social networks and finished all my work.

So I think.

Of course there is still pending work. Work which can wait a while as the deadline is still 100m away.

A new endeavour - to receive recognition for 2 years' work rendered.

If you are wondering, it is my baby project, my Literature class. The results of this hard work is about to be released and I shudder to think what will happen if the statistics don't match what is expected of me. On the other hand, I have tried my best to do something I have never done and I know my darlings have tried their best. Only time will tell really. A wise little bird said we have done our best but there is always room for improvement. How true.

Unfortunately, I don't know if this current group will gel the way my initial group did. They were one of a kind. The euphoria and thrill of doing something new is incredible. Yet, my lessons now are more organised, more structured making them seem boring to me. I like excitement. I like doing new stuff, not that it IS boring - it isn't.

I am pushing for better. Can I do it?

It is now the term break and I will be enjoying myself for a whole week - no work included.

February Update

2011-02-28T09:17:00.005+08:00

This is a post with multiple entries to cover some of the things I have wanted to say but have not quite managed. So allow me to verbalise briefly.

Singapore Trip.

This was a trip organised and planned to happen from the 27 Feb to 2 Mar. It was initally an immersion programme for certain teachers(18 to be exact) to experience first-hand education in Singapore and to keep a check on how advanced or not we are. However, due to technicalities I shall not delve into, the 18 was cut down to 6 and even then right at the last minute the whole trip was scrapped. When people were handpicked to participate, there were a lot of grouses on why some were going and some were not. When the numbers dwindled, there was more dissatisfaction and people were really miffed. Cest la vie. I on the other hand was ever grateful that we didn't go cos i envisioned the amount of work upon return. Others I guess, focused on the FUN factor.

SHORTs

It was a fantastic production despite all initial hiccups. I enjoyed myself thoroughly getting to know the girls, scolding them, holding their hands and shining a little in their limelight. I wish I had involved myself more and earlier but they did a wonderful job and I hope they learned all things that are not in the textbook. Teamwork equals team success.

Movies

I have had a field time at the movies this month from The Green Hornet to Yogi Bear to Black Swan to I am Number Four and The King's Speech. Is it any wonder that Black Swan and The King's Speech are nominated? They were fantabulous movies of different genres which appeal to each and everyone of us, making us wonder how we have survived in Life as we know it. I look forward to watching Burlesque and much more.

Work

In my line of work, I deal with all sorts of students. I mean ALL sorts. But I have realised despite winning the most friendly teacher award a couple of times, I am not so easy and comfortable at getting too close to my students. I think this is a result of having been to close to some in the past who have delve on so many personal problems, home and family which an outsider has no hold or control over that it has made me jaded. I dealt with discipline problems too and yet it is the suicidal ones which worry me the most. How does one convince another that taking one's own life is NOT and can never be the solution? What if I say or do the wrong thing? Am I equipped to handle such situations? How do I react to help them cope?

It is a mega responsibility to be a teacher. After 20 years, I am still struggling.

Memories

2011-02-16T22:12:00.002+08:00

It has been a busy week, helping out with the SHORTS play.

It brought on a cascade of memories and made me reflect on all that I went through last year ending with the million dollar question - How did i survive?

I don't know - God's grace I guess!

And yet it has been so much fun being to express a myriad of feelings, moulding the girls like playdoh, to see them learn super quickly what works and what doesn't.

I wonder if they realise the amount of things they have learnt in the last week or so. They are so easy to teach, so pliable that it makes it a pleasure.

But I have had my fun. I need to step back and let my friend bask in the glory of her hard work. She has put in so much of her heart and soul, sacrificed so much time and energy, I only pray the entire cast hold up till Sunday.

I am looking forward to the actual show -to sit and watch filled with pride.

Good job, friend and to all your girls - break a leg.

I more than survived!

2011-02-14T13:12:00.003+08:00

I am back!

I had fun as well.

It was an interesting trip for me personally as I had to face some fears ( hugging ppl I don't particularly like), mix with a lot of people I don't normally say more than Hi and learn new ways to make money without having to do very much like the facilitators.

As mentioned in my previous post, we paid a lot of money for two people who only talked **** and made no effort to know the name of our school. They merely gave out instructions and and expected us to carry out the activities.

Of course being SBT teachers, we took on the challenges thrown at us. The activities were fun only because we made it fun. We made everything worth doing and learning.

I got to know a lot of people and now understand them more. I got to know personal details that have moulded my friends to what they are now.

I also got to know my bosses better and I guess they know me better too.

The only sad part was being at the beach but not having any time to stroll on the beach or enjoy the facilities. As a friend said, we might as well have had the whole session in our sch hall.

Maybe we will have another opportunity to have this kind of fun again soon but we definitely need better facilitators who do not torture teachers with 3 bits of homework at midnight and expect them ready by 8 the next morning.

For the greater good???

2011-02-11T16:25:00.002+08:00

We are about to embark on a team-building trip.

As we all know there is no I in the word TEAM.

With that in mind, the 80 odd staff of my establishment is about to experience a mixing SO GOOD that it will (hopefully) produce team members with one focus, one aim, one objective etc.

Will one night of bunking in with a complete stranger, one who is merely a colleague or acquaintance whereby you may (or may not) like or even say HI to in the course of a working day hold much water?

Does seeing the other party dressed down to their nightgowns and underwear do anything at all for the professional self and body which we represent?

If you look really hard, there are a handful of people you actually get along well with, a sprinkling of pleasant people who know a bit more about you apart from what car you drive and where you live, another small portion whom you would make the effort to smile and wish when you bump into them and a larger group whom you would not miss given any single day of the school holidays. After all, I worked under someone for the last 5 years and she didn't even know I have 3 children. Sad, is an understatement cos even my students know that about me.

So, my question remains, how can one night lead to anything but an inconvenience and discomfort for all and sundry?

Of course, I have discounted the fact that I am rooming with the ALMIGHTY powerful 1, 2 & 3.

HELP!!?????

I will update if I survive the weekend...

Interesting..

2011-02-04T20:20:00.002+08:00

I've had an amazing Chinese New Year - so extraordinary cos it's so UNChinese.

We were supposed to head to Segamat to celebrate with my father-in-law who is now stationed there with his other children. But as the odd ones in the family we decided against travelling all the way for a day or two. So amidst rumblings from my brothers and sisters-in-law, we stood our ground and refused to make the trip. Lo and behold, Segamat was the worst hit in the recent floods. They who are there had a busy time cleaning up the mess left by mother nature and an incompetent local council since my bro-in-law owns 2 shops in the town centre.

Anyways, we stayed home and enjoyed the dissipating traffic, the unusual quiet that was left in the wake of an exodus away from the City.

So what did we get up to?

We had a movie on the eve of CNY - The Green Hornet.

Followed by a reunion dinner at Fridays.

Then on CNY, we had roti canai for breakfast.

Now, how untraditional and amazing was that.

The day passed peacefully, not even with the TV on.

Then we had a stroll in the Curve and Ikano.

The second day, we spent cooking up a feast for some friends who are scheduled to turn up on my doorstep tomorrow.

I hope there will be joyous times and good old laughter all around tomorrow.

What a week!

2011-01-28T07:56:00.002+08:00

It almost Chinese New Year and I have a tonne of things UNDONE!

My house is a mess and dusty.
Have not made a single cookie.
Need to change the cushion covers and bedding.
Need to prepare for an impending open house
need to decide when is the open house.

On a happier note, I am looking forward to the break. I am extremely grateful I am not travelling during this period. However. it means my children have less collection for their angpows.
But it also means I can rot in front of the telly. Yay!

Apart from the upcoming celebration, work has been hectic. I have a paperwork piling on me faster than i can recite my ABCs.
Then of course, there are so many sections to juggle.

English classes x 3
Literature class
Head of Panel(Heavy)
SBT commitee(Heavier)
Staff Club
Taekwondo Club

And all riddled with office and national politics.

Wish life could be a little simpler. I just want to be ordinary. Unfortunately, people see me as more. Wonder why.

Memories

2011-01-20T22:45:00.002+08:00

Today, out of the blue, I got a text message from someone whom I haven't seen since November 2010.

It instantly brought back many memories of the last 6 years we have spent together, growing and learning along the way.

She wished me well and it was actually a Chinese New Year greeting and my first thought was I have never had the honour of working under and with such a superior.

She is:
One who puts others first all the time.
One who sees the macro picture while we are wading in the micro.
One who respects and in turn gains others' respect.
One who doesn't form boundaries, always keeping her door open to all.
One who hugs instead of keeping you at arms' length.
One, who in the "busyness" of life, still knows how many children I have and that my husband is diabetic.

It has been a wonderful journey of discovery even though we have had our ups and downs, she has learnt to trust me, respect me and know me.

There was so much to tell her and yet...

I miss her.

Into the third week

2011-01-18T13:50:00.002+08:00

Time flies when you are having fun..NOT.

LOL but I am (having fun that is)

I was signed up for a podcasting course by my ever-wonderful superiors and I thank them sincerely.

It has been 2 days now and I have been thrown into a pool of teachers from far and wide (Selangot & WP) to learn how to use podcasts in our everyday lessons.

So watch out, my 2011 students - you will be the victims of my new found knowledge.

It has been fun learning new stuff and getting to know new people. I guess it is a break away from routine. Although I will say that the journey to this place of knowledge is tedious and long and jam-filled.(not the yummy kind)

So what have I learnt?

Podcasts are fun
To make one is very interesting
It takes time and effort
I need to spend more time on teaching listening
That I will be observed and stalked in the next 3 weeks

I guess I will also have to teach all my colleagues sometime this year so that it will be fun for them too.

3 down ...a million more to go

2011-01-05T10:00:00.002+08:00

It's only been three days at work and I'm exhausted.

Don't get me wrong. I am enjoying it. And I realise that I take it easier or rather take things in my stride for now.

I was challenged to a task of being grateful for 10 things before 12pm in a day.

I must say there are lots that I am grateful for.

I have a wonderfully supportive family.
My children are GOOD people.
I determine a lot of things that go on in any given day.
I have my own transport.
At work, I have wonderful friends.
I also have a tight team who help shoulder the weight of work.
I have a boss(es) who believe and trust in me.
I walk around with my eyes open and see ALL sorts. (LOL)
I am able to get a lot done by 8.30am.
I love being in class with students.

I am grateful for all that i have been handed. This includes the 'challenge' that has returned.

I realise, in a quiet and strange way, I am looking forward to 2011 after all.

Thank you, Lord.

Bliss

2010-12-08T20:40:00.002+08:00

It has been a blissful holiday so far except when my phone rings and it is work related.

This has happened numerous times and it is a tad annoying. Please stop checking on me as it not a crime to be on holiday - it is well-earned and well-deserved.

What have I been doing?

NOTHING!
Really! Nothing of significance to the world but a world of difference to my children and hubby.

I have been waking up as usual, chilling and not looking at the clock.
I have been cooking, baking, cleaning and washing.
I have been shopping and watching movies.
I have indulged in 3 novels so far and well into my fourth novel.
I have visited and caught up with relatives - finding out juicy information.
I have taken my kids to Sunway Lagoon for the day and totally enjoyed it.
I have planned a 4 day 3 night holiday away from this city next week and aim to enjoy myself thoroughly.

I have so much more up my sleeve which involves doing what i do best - nothing!

I hope certain parties will let me indulge and refrain from making me feel guilty.

It has been pure bliss!

Farewells

2010-11-17T17:18:00.005+08:00

It was a pain being stuck in the staffroom on Monday.

All I wanted was to be in the hall with my girls and watch them get ready for the Oh so important SPM. To see these grown-up little girls whom I have watched bloom and blossom, whom I have in a tiny way helped mould and shape along the last 5 years.

Reports had to be done. Work had to be finished.

And when they streamed in one by one, single file, in pairs, in threes and in groups, it took all my nerves to steel my heart and block the dams from overflowing.

It is a strange feeling, LOVE!

It hurts and yet so much joy!

It makes us gooey and yet so strong.

So many of them came, one whom I have never taught in her life, some whom I have only ever taught once and some whom I have taught some time back.

The memories they have are beautiful and it's the little things they remember.

One of them said thanks for a wonderful year in Form 3 when we experienced ants, bees and even the roof collapsing.

One of them thanked me for Form 2 when she used to be lazy and not hand in homework.

One of them promised to continue exploring her potential in the writing field.

SO many wonderful, amazing individuals who could make me cry with a mere hug.

Then there were some who didn't need words; a smile, a wink, a hug was enough to make me tear.

And yet, after 5 years, I can understand why some ppl never came to say farewell.

It's hard. Being honest and candid takes a lot of guts. But it's ok. The feelings are mutual.

There is not one individual whom I would not wish her well.

I know I have done my best.

It is now up to you to do your best. This is much more important than scoring As.

These are the girls whom I love.

I cherish the times we have spent together.

How we have moved on despite the mood swings, both yours and mine. People warned me teaching teenage girls in isolation was hard. I refute this belief. They are extraordinary, remarkable and outstanding individuals who shine through always, who are resilient and who are my most loyal friends.

So let me just say:

I cheer you on.

I wish you luck.

I hope you succeed in all that you endeavour.

I will miss you.

Workload

2010-11-10T16:23:00.002+08:00

Today someone told me the reason why I have so much work is because she loves and cares for me.

Ironic isn't it?

Please love me less.
I can't cope.

2 more weeks

2010-11-08T17:49:00.002+08:00

There's just about 2 more weeks to go before it's yahoos for some and oh nos for others.

I am in the former group. And as with all holidays, I can't wait to do nothing. Yes, that's right - NOTHING!

I am looking forward to:

lazy mornings (except when the dogs are barking for breakfast and release)
breakfast with hubby (unless he is in a rush)
tossing the clothes about on the line trying to get the best sun (unless it's drizzling)
wonder what to put together for lunch (without picking up the phone)
surfing the channels looking for something juicy (probably end up with MTV)
and just devouring novel after novel ( nothing can stop me now)

Not forgetting shopping - window at the very least, catch a few movies and maybe go bowling with my kids.

I'd like to go on holiday with my family, even if it's just a day.
I'd like to lie on the beach and click the slow bake button.
I'd like to just laze around without someone breathing down my neck about housework undone and how I'm a bad Mom.
I'd like to play badminton with my children and maybe teach them something new like tennis or squash.
I'd like to go swim for a whole day and not worry about coming out looking like a toad.
I'd like to catch up with some ex-students and see how they are coping with real life.
I'd like to celebrate with my Lit class after their exams.

Phew - I'm tired just planning nothing!

Upset..much

2010-10-27T21:36:00.002+08:00

I have been extremely upset by two people of late.

The first is on a professional level. Which hurts because I cannot say the things I want to due to a status difference.
If one is the subordinate, it goes without saying (at least to me) that I have to carry out instructions and responsibilities as best as I can. Unfortunately, this is hard to do when you know you are being manipulated and shoved into a corner you just cannot possibly back out of.
To add insult to injury, I am blamed time and again for this person's shortcomings as I have to submit to his/her authority.
I am sad to say, I failed to do this with grace.
Therefore, I shoved back. As hard as I was shoved. Hence, his/her ego was dented.
I stood my ground - but I was upset.

The second on the the other hand is on a more personal level.
This hurts and has been hurting for sometime. I thought she was a friend.
I realise I held her in higher esteem than she has ever held me.
This lack of mutual respect and love (if you can call it that) has led to massive disappointment and betrayal. The hurt is incomprehensible.
Why?
Because I am the type of person who gives a friend the benefit of any doubt in any circumstance.
Because I give not expecting a gift but a measure of friendship, tolerance, selflessness and all other qualities you would expect of a true friend.
Alas, I have to resign myself to the fact that she does not consider me a friend, not in the same way, not on the same level. Everything she does is calculated with precision, measured to the last drop before offering anything in return. She fears hurt. She barricades herself and in doing so releases objects of hurt.
You win.
I am hurt.
I step away, I give up.

Respect

2010-10-26T19:02:00.001+08:00

Respect is EARNED.

Not demanded.

Go check your image and deliberate if you deserve any.

New beginnings...??

2010-10-19T21:16:00.003+08:00

Life is funny..not ha ha but strange.

We find change one of the hardest things to accept and yet when life seems mundane, the one thing we crave for is change, ironic isn't it?

There are so many wonderful experiences that we go through on a day to day basis and yet when asked "How was your day?' the norm is to answer "OK."

Notice the full stop? That is how we answer, killing all further conversation.

So, all that wonderful experience was for nought.

We want things to be exciting, and yet when we realise we've got onto a roller coaster ride that is a tad too long or raunchy, we cringe and wish we hadn't got on at all, completely forgetting we had actually requested that change.

However, humans are creatures of habit. The more familiar the habit the better. Perhaps it is more comfortable or rather comforting to be able to predict the goings-on and outcomes of a certain activity. Yet, complacency is detrimental to our beings.

I have become extremely familiar with my surroundings. I have a priceless family. I have wonderful friends in and out of work. I have gems of students, who each in themselves are unique individuals and as a class even more precious. I must not take any of them for granted. I apologise if I have.

Challenges have been thrown my way. New beginnings lead to unsaid fears. Only because the challenges are unpredictable and beyond my control, is it fearful. Hence, the challenge of reading it right, the hope of smooth change as opposed to turbulence. I do not need a typhoon at the moment. There are many uncertainties ahead. All I can do, in my little domain is to PRAY.

Will you join me in this prayer?

Lost

2010-10-14T15:42:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, of late, I have been wondering if I am doing the right thing, by way of my Literature students.

I have no one to guide me, no yardstick to compare and no guidebooks to help me help my students. If you are wondering what I am going on about, it is the fact that my groping in the dark is coming to an end. Not because I see the light. More because the year is coming to an end and my girls have to face their deepest challenge of the SPM paper under my guidance. Have I guided them in the right direction? Have I given them confidence when I myself am not.

Guilt is what I am feeling. My strict marking is their ultimate bane. Yet I hope my strictness is helping to shape their thoughts, that it may help them with the best way to answer the questions. My standards and expectations ARE indeed high, and the ones who have been suffering are my 22 girls who faithfully come back for more every week.

Only God seems to know my trepidations for He has sent me and angel, and this angel has agreed to come and throw some light on how to answer the questions that bear the most marks for free!!! And for this, I hope my girls are grateful.

I love them very much and have seen them change in ways so subtle, they probably don't detect. They have come to understand that people from all walks of life go through various challenges each day, regardless of race, religion, culture, background and status. They have come to understand themselves more as they grow older, wiser and mature at their own pace. They have stepped up to all the challenges that I have thrown their way, and have come out shining. We have enjoyed times in and out of class and the best part is, I have grown too. With them, I have learnt so much with them, from them and I shall miss them once the next 5 weeks are over.

So girls, if you agree or disagree with the above, give me a shout!

I don't know if I want to go through another 2 years if parting is so painful though.

The road not taken

2010-10-14T07:34:00.002+08:00

I have recently come to a crossroad - or maybe a fork. And I had to make decision that would shape my career.

I have often ranted about how I hate paperwork. And that I want to return to being an ORDINARY teacher. However, I know it is not ever possible unless I move to another school and lay low. SO having made a reputation for myself here, I have to say I do not ever wish to return to the Discipline board. Not that I have anything against them in the first place. It has always been about me. I know I can do it - but I don't want to. Half of me thinks that I was placed there to fulfil a subconscious dream of mine as well as to keep me in check, since I am of the rebellious kind. LOL

No matter, been there, done that and I do not intend to go there again.

I am happier being in the English Panel and dealing with my 12 colleagues instead of with parents who think their babies can do no wrong.

In short this decision was not hard to make. I know what I want. Leave me be and I will work as well as I have been. And until the next challenge comes along, I will stay on my grassy side of the path.

Thank you very much.

Freedom? Yes FREEDOM!

2010-09-03T09:55:00.002+08:00

2 weeks - 16 days to be precise. 384 hours. 23040 minutes of FREEDOM.

No marking, no work, just MY time - all for me and my family.

It's a first in 2010. And I intend to maximise it to the hilt.

What am I going to be doing?

Nothing! Absolutely NOTHING I don't want to do and everything possible to relax and maybe regain my original hair as opposed to the grey that has been sprouting all over my crown.

I endeavour to NOT worry, to NOT think about work at all.

So don't be worried if I am silent....

Growing up?

2010-08-24T10:33:00.002+08:00

I was observing some of the girls I have taught or known since they were in Form 1.

I must say the majority of them have grown into lovely ladies, with wonderful personalities and good characteristics. The opportunity to witness such blossoming is indeed my pleasure.Some of these are selfless individuals who are constantly helpful even when they are in a rush, who are willing to go the extra mile cos they care for others, who are ever ready with a smile and profer kind words and sensitive to people and their surroundings. I hope and pray, I have had a positive influence on these individuals, however small.

However, there are a handful of individuals who seem to have been left behind and are trailing. Of course, it is never too late. Unfortunately, they don't seem to want to better themselves.

Then there are those who have changed from pleasant and full of potential to selfish and self-absorbed people. They only want to know what is in it for them. Their time is more precious than the time and sacrifices we make for them. As long as things don't inconvenience them, they don't care what you have done for them or are about to do for them. What has brought about these negative changes? What kind of life-changing experiences have they been through to warrant such unwanted changes?

Ideally, school should be a positive reinforcement of all good things. Of course, this is IDEAL.

Yet, students don't actually spend ALL their time in school, do they.
So to fully blame the school would be inappropriate.

Ultimately, parents play the most significant role.

My question remains, with only a few more months to go, how do we change these negative habits?
How do we make these individuals more loving, more caring, more polite, more humane, more HUMAN?
Can we?

where does the the frying pan end?

2010-08-23T12:57:00.003+08:00

I thought with Cluster metamorphorsising into SBT, the English panel would escape the limelight that has been blinding us (me, in particular) for the last couple of years.

Lo and behold, we are in the spotlight again, under the purview of WRITING. It is not something I asked for, nor do I crave for the attention. I guess I just have to learn and master Sun-Tzu's Art of Warfare really quick. Why?

Cos the latest on the grapevine has it that the incoming HM is another dynamic lady who has had her heart set on Sri Aman for the last couple of years. Who knows where she will be leading us to and how far her sights will be?

Challenge, it seems, awaits us.
Are we ready??

Almost 20 years

2010-08-05T11:18:00.003+08:00

It has taken 19 years of hard work and constant learning to be appreciated for all the little things that I do at work.

I can't begin to count the numerous hats I have tried on. 19 years as a teacher, confidante, friend, colleague, facilitator, motivator, counsellor, educator, clerk, nanny, cleaner, nagger, driver, accountant, chettiah, and many, many other profiles but most importantly as an employee to be finally acknowledged as someone who does her best, gives of her best and does what is right for her students.

Every year, an old faithful consoles me when I hear of other people getting awarded and it makes me down.
Many a time, the one(s) who get it don't deserve it.
This award has been the bane of many colleagues - not because we are jealous, but because we work super hard and get bypassed for a myriad of ridiculous reasons.
To my pal who is still waiting, hang in there and I love you ! I believe in you!

Another friend also mentioned that the powers that be are and have always been slow at noticing things that go smoothly, but quick to judge when things go wrong. How true! So it isn't that we don't do thing right, we do it so well that we blend into the background!

Unfortunately, we, human beings thrive on being acknowledge and appreciated. It takes very little to smile or to pat one on the back and even lesser to say "Good job!" So let this be a lesson to all ~ profer encouragement freely, slather on the praise and never stinge on the smiles. It works better than all the material gifts in the world.

Phew - no wonder I am tired.

I'm tired

2010-08-03T10:34:00.002+08:00

With less than 4 hours of sleep - I am extremely tired!

Why you may ask?

Well, I spent the better half of the night at PPUM/UMMC. My brother-in-law was admitted into the Accidents & Emergency for acute abdominal pain.

So how efficient were the ER team you wonder? They were NOT.

He was left to his pain until he had to bite his own arm. He writhed in pain and was told to lie still. He asked for help and was told that they were observing him. He continued to suffer as they chatted through the night.

My summation - doctors in this hospital (and a few other) need to relearn compassion. They need to locate their passion for healing people. They need to learn some manners when dealing with patients and their concerned relatives. Human/People skills are sorely and sadly missing in a field which deals solely with humankind.

Where is the humane doctor whose oath is to heal? How can one say to the relatives 'There is nothing I can do for him.' Should we believe the doctor and leave? How do we trust our loved ones to these 'caregivers' who do not examine, touch and prod in order to find out what could possibly be wrong?

Standing in an ER for 2 hours where the Medical Officer comes over but once to monitor blood pressure and pulse with an electronic monitor that kept beeping "LOW BATTERY" did not give me any satisfaction that my bro-in-law was looked after. Then we were told we could go home as they would continue to observe him and probably discharge him in the morning.

So we headed home and prayed really hard!

Within 2 hours, we get a call at 4am to say that he can be discharged. Diagnosis - Acute gastritis and is prescribed 3 types of medication where the top one had been discontinued for the past year. Talk about a communication breakdown. Does the doctor not know what is available in the pharmacy and does the pharmacy not tell what is no longer available???? Then they ask for pharmacy and x-ray payment of RM20. We had paid the same amount earlier so when queried what the former payment was for, they couldn't quite decide if it was for x-ray or heart scan. So what were we being charged for?

Something is seriously wrong with our system!

Conclusion? My bro-in-law is at home. Probably still suffering.
The doctor - probably sleeping like a baby with a clear conscience.

Part 2

2010-08-02T11:49:00.003+08:00

It has taken me that long to overcome the 'trauma' in order to start with Part 2.

I still don't feel like myself yet and am not quite into the rigmarole of work. Currently feeling detached of everything so much so that I didn't even realise it is exams for the Forms 1,2 & 4 starting tomorrow. Oblivion IS bliss. But I digress.

The wake and funeral took a total of 5 days including the day of my mother-in-law's demise. It WAS traumatic and a spiritual battle all the way as my religious beliefs were constantly tested when asked to handle joss-sticks and Taoist prayer paraphernalia. Of course there were rituals that just had to be done - like wiping my mother-in-laws face with a damp towel, saying things to her like "Please eat" and stuff that I don't believe in. And yet, as the dutiful daughter-in-law, rituals had to be abided by, lest one is looked down upon by the sisters-in-law and sister-out-law.

I am extremely grateful to my understanding husband who stood by me through thick and thin, through the veiled looks thrown my way and through the harsh comments made by relatives and friends far and near. You are my pillar of strength and I treasure you greatly.

Night after night, there was chanting and kneeling and smoke getting into everyone's eyes. And on top of all the grief going around, we still had to be the well-mannered hostesses that is expected of all. It was indeed a difficult task.

The day of the funeral was even more traumatic as we had to kneel for a long time on the tarmac road. We got up with punctured knees and sore leg muscles. The trip to the crematorium was about an hour away and we graciously gave our seats on the bus to visitors hence having to drive ourselves to the venue. Of course, that allowed us some breathing space and privacy to grieve in our own way. As I was a designated driver, I dutifully drove behind the hearse and was about to pick up my family when I was informed that I had forgotten to pick up my father-in-law. Aghast, I turned back to pick him up as he eyed me suspiciously for abandoning him. I maintained that I had not been informed so it was no fault of mine. Anyways, he was in no mood to argue and the rest of the journey to and fro the crematorium was gravely silent with a few snores in between. I guess he was tired out from the sleepless nights and days.

It was indeed sad to see the coffin being unceremoniously pushed into crematorium and the weird thing was family members were allowed to proceed behind to watch the flames engulf the coffin. This I refused to partake but my younger two and my hubby watched - part awe and part sorrow.

I must mention that the undertakers were totally disorganised and did an awful job of disseminating information as we were almost always in the dark about what was happening. Everything was ad hoc and there was a lot of change along the way.

Yet, after all that, we were just grateful that it was the end of the ceremonies.

I had never been happier to come home to my own place, my home and sanctuary. At least I have my own bathroom and need not share it with 40 other people.

I do pray for my mother-in-law's soul that it will find peace and rest for suffer, she did.
And my family and I will truly miss her.

Death's finality

2010-07-25T14:10:00.001+08:00

Death is an end - a finality.

There is no running away from it as it is the only guarantee of life.

Yet, to some it is a relief to reach the end. For some, it is a relief that the suffering has ended.

My mother-in-law passed away on Friday (23 of July) after much pain and suffering. She recently broke her right femur bone due to a fall and had to undergo corrective surgery to fix it. Prior to the surgery, we were warned that she may not make it due to her swollen heart. She has a history of multiple illnesses including diabetes and heart problems. And all this has made her last leg of life a challenge for herself and her care-givers.

She came out of the 4 hour surgery a success. She was conscious and looked well at 3pm. We were all hopeful. And yet filled with trepidation. But we celebrated the success anyway and by 5,30pm, when we revisited her at the hospital she was a different person. She was agitated, nervous, even angry. She yanked out the intravenous needle on her arm and bled profusely while she eyed everyone around her suspiciously. The doctor tried to find another inlet and help her calm down. I stepped away with my traumatised sister-in-law and gave her a chance to shower and calm down. That was the last time I saw my mother-in-law alive.

Part 2 will be continued.

Learning!

2010-07-08T15:28:00.000+08:00

This is something I made today in ICT class. Never too old to learn I guess.

Yet again!

2010-06-29T23:26:00.002+08:00

Today I am reminded again about my passion for teaching.

Although I feel tired, and sense that I am headed towards burn out, I hold on, nay cling dearly to the fact that my first love is and has always been to teach, to educate and to be part of the change that will happen for a better tomorrow.

Somethings some people said today hit a sore point with me.

Sacrifices gone unnoticed. Time spent at work which could have been better spent with the family.

Of course, I will agree that time is better spent with our own families but it is my part and parcel of my vocation to spend time with other people's children. I have yet to begrudge that part of my job.

The fact that some people feel that they should only do what is necessary at work during work hours and nothing more, irks me! To the core.

That one cannot sacrifice their weekends once in a while is incomprehensible. Having said that, I too appreciate my weekends to myself - however, if duty calls, it is acceptable to spend some weekends at work especially if the beneficiary is ourselves.

That one could contemplate moving to a different location due to spending a whole day at work is unfathomable. I have spent numerous whole days at work. The pleasure derived from the achievements of those whole days are more than sweet wine down the throat. I have had no regrets of time well spent. What is to say that at other locations sacrifices aren't expected or demanded?

My dissatisfaction and ire stem not from envy at other people's excuses or escapism. They stem from the fact that the passion for what they had originally chosen as their vocation has dissipated and eludes them now. Their priorities have changed and the ones at the losing end are the future generation. This is indeed a sad state of affairs.

I remember - I love teaching. For that, I am grateful.

I look at my students and wonder to myself silently, how much of them have I touched, moulded, shaped? How much of me or my ideology is in them? How much do they take away with them?

My silent prayer - enough!

Finished!

2010-06-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

I finally finished marking - a chore for this particular teacher.

Don't get me wrong - I love my profession. To be in class, having intelligent conversations, bantering and debating, ultimately discovering the individuals that light up the world to come is absolutely fascinating.

Marking - on the other hand is tedious. Especially essays. Not that my students don't write well. They do. However reading the same topic 20 times(minimal) over is just too much. Multiply that by 2 classes. Now can you see the problem?

Anyways, now I can watch TV without feeling guilty. I can spend time on the net without feeling guilty. Unfortunately, my health is sinking - probably due to too much marking and the lack of sleep not to mention a proper holiday.

My sister-in-law commented the other day about my marking while visiting them. How is it I can't just visit but had to bring work along?

Well, let me make the announcement loud and clear.

Listen up -

Teachers are expected to work through the holidays - marking, filing, updating their piling work because they are privileged to be paid for a holiday. That means - technically we are NOT on holiday. Mind you, I had to sit for an exam which i didn't have time to study for as well.

Another reason why we have to mark during the holidays is because the attendance of students would be so poor if the exams were set for earlier, so the solution - push the exams as late as possible, preferably before the holidays. Therefore, teachers have to mark in the holidays?

What happens to the children of the teachers, who hardly see their parent during school days wanting to spend time with the said parent? They get shooed away for disturbing their concentration while marking. They get told to wait till later. Another day.

I feel sorry for my children. We were supposed to do all sorts during the 2 week break. They never happened. We never even made it to the local library let alone to the shopping mall. I have deprived them of quality time. Of me time. Of memories together.

Is it any wonder teachers go back to work feeling poorly?

Students and bosses expect all marks to be ready at the word GO! It's easy for some - those who plonk their papers into the scanner and get them marked in under half an hour. Woe to those who have to read essay after essay, not to mention subjective questions.

I vote for early exams. I vote for longer deadlines. I vote for a life.

Too short!

2010-06-04T08:51:00.005+08:00

In the last few years, I have attended numerous wakes and funerals. People close and dear to me, some friends, some acquaintances. Mostly people older than I.

I am the kind of person who cries at a funeral and I am not ashamed to admit that I cry buckets.

When my grandma passed in September 2007 I thought my wells were bottomless.

Yesterday,I attended a wake of the husband of my friend. A friend I have known since I was 7. That is a long time to be friends. I do not profess to know the deceased personally for I have only met him once - when he was lying in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy. He was a cheerful soul, who never once thought of giving up on himself, his family or life. That was in January.

He went home to be with the Lord on Wednesday, 2 June.
He is in a better place - no pain, only joy!

I cry for my friend - my friend who has 2 children ages 14 and 11.
I cry for my friend who has lost her lifetime companion.
I cry for my friend who has no one to hold her tight when things get tough.
I cry for my friend who has lost her shoulder to cry on, her friend who held her hand through good time and bad.
I cry for the children who have lost their father, their guiding star.
I cry for they will grow up without a mentor, a comforter, a friend.
I cry for I understand their loss.

I am going again to the wake tonight with my children. For she is a friend to my children too. I know for sure, they would want to be there. To give her a hug, a kiss and whisper words of comfort.

I can only pray that she will be strong, and carry on the good fight.

Life is short. Make the best of it.
Love like you have no tomorrow.
Live for today. Don't worry about the future (too much)
Tell the people you love - I love you.

Michael Lim Joo Sai - Rest in peace- you have been loved!

Swelling with pride

2010-06-01T22:49:00.002+08:00

I watched my class confidently yet nervously attempt the 2 1/2 hour Literature paper today.

And the student who came for fun actually took the paper - for fun! So wonderful she is.

The feeling is actually hard to describe.

First, I walked in with worry, worried that I may have set an impossible task for them.

Their faces, full of concentration was full of expressions. There were some looking for reassurances, a smile to acknowledge their existence and to boost their self-confidence.

Walking around in that warm classroom gave me hope, dreams and inspired me even more than I could have imagined.

Giving out more writing paper ensured me that the Questions were actually do-able and they had overflowing thoughts to pen down.

I am enthused by these inspiring characters - some who didn't have enough time to finish with finesse and yet some who finished ahead of time, worrying if they had left anything out.

The many funny expressions of slapping their own foreheads, scratching and messing up their hair, sudden jumps in the chair from inspiration perhaps have made my day.

As I walked out after an hour, their silent pleas to not leave could be seen on their worried faces. I wish I could hold their hands just to reassure them. But I am confident that I have taught them more than that - I am with them in spirit even if I have to leave the room.
So it is with this prayer that I send them forth to conquer and make history in the upcoming SPM exam.

I am indeed PROUD of them (again) and looking forward to reading their answer scripts.

Closure

2010-05-13T12:23:00.002+08:00

There are so many things happening in and around me at the moment that my excitement for Langkawi seems dimmed.

Let me name a few:

finances for cluster to finish by June
payment to be made to all my suppliers
books to be checked and verified
observation of English, Science and Math teachers
the dreaded mid-terms
the marking of mid-term papers
the missing mid-term break on account of marking the said papers

Phew - that tired me out!

That doesn't even include all the drama in school.

So do I need this break to Langkawi? Sounds like it.
How do I work up the enthusiasm?

I guess I need to actually see my suitcase and fill it up - LOL.
Hope I have a good time and have lots to report.

He came, he called and he left us stupified!

2010-05-10T21:37:00.002+08:00

An inspector called on me and 400 over people last Saturday.

After months of hard work, a jug of tears, a kettleful of frustration, a teaspoon of disappointment and a 10 tonne load of joy, it is over.
And the worst is yet to be over - the withdrawal symptoms of time and energy spent together, the camaraderie of people linked because a single vision - it's a weird feeling.

But I digress - I want to report on the happenings and the things I have learnt in the last 6 months.

From the moment my girls fell in love with the drama - An Inspector Calls, I have learnt that dreams can and must be fulfilled one way or another.

And it took a whole team of 26 people to achieve this dream.

I must say - all my years as a teacher I have endeavoured to stay clear of such projects. Why? Because I shun limelight. I have no desire to draw extra attention on myself. I have always believed I am NOT a drama kind of person. I have enough drama in my life.

And yet, I could not and given the chance to rewind - would still not have crushed my girls' dreams.

They have brought joy and glory to me. Personally, I am so proud of them, I could burst.
Implode!

They are extraordinary!
I have such a great team who take pride in all they do. Whether it be lines that they had to memorise, the adaptation of the actual drama, the organisation of people and events - down to the last sen spent, the littlest details of eyeliner, mascara and rings on their fingers.

I would like to take my hat off to my team!!!

Riyana - who persevered through thick and thin - for never giving up on anyone member and always having a solution on hand to any problem.

Sara - who took care of so many departments, she basically made sure everyone was looked after including worrying about finances.

The Cast - Trishi, Tasha, Sanuja, Sarah, Ashiqin, Lydia, Arizah, Sara, Trisher, Suki, Khatijah, Mae, Sandra, Divya and the extras who didn't get a mention. Thanks for your dedication, for taking in all the criticisms and directions without ever rebelling but continually tried out ideas and suggestions.

Nadia and Alia - who ran around helter skelter - for always being there when the candle blew out and for catching the rain on the stage.

Aqilah, Iman, Nisha, Divya and Megan who did a fantastic job with costumes, makeup and hair.

Mag, Megan, Alia, Nadia and Farhana - who ran up and down with chairs, brooms, sticky tape and all sorts - your energy is ever abundant!

Amy, Hana and Farhana - who worked magic with their little laptops!

Divya, Lydia and Riyana - for the fantastic photos.

Cheyenne and Megan and all the Form 4 Lit students who constantly cleaned up after everyone.

Sandra - who worked overtime doing the tickets, posters and banners and never got to watch cos she got sick.

Syahirah - who landed the light job without a protest and learned in a matter of minutes - doing a great job.

Mae - who was a fantastic butler and stage manager as she made sure everyone was in and out on cue.

They were superb and so professional - through all the hiccups and technical difficulties.
For example, when lines were forgotten, they ad libbed. They made it up and it was so believable no one knew any different. Through the constant chatter of some un-cultured audience, they continued to entrance the rest of the audience. And when the flashbacks experienced hiccups, they gallantly narrated as there was no audio. They were fantastic!!!

My highlight of the whole play was the teamwork - something that grew out of nothing and has bound them together for this merry bunch has gelled together from a myriad of classes. I hope this bond lasts, long after school is out and that this experience holds for them wonderful memories as it does for me.

Lastly I would like to thank all my friends who have and still believe in me, who have supported me through the hardships, heartaches and have shared the joy I felt at the end of this special project.

I am stupified but pleasantly so!

Surprising

2010-05-06T22:32:00.002+08:00

I have friends - I am lucky.

Today I taught my students that out of the thousands of acquaintances we have, we would be lucky to have 5 really good friends - the kind who stand by you through thick and thin.

Cynical you may say but I feel this is true.

So someone asked what happens if we don't have best friends?

Hmm.. tough one.

Unsure, I said some friends don't have to be best friends to be great friends.

And today, I was shown that some of my best friends don't have my back while some normal friends care much more than they let on.

Friends - I treasure them deeply!

Thanks to those few constant ones - you know who you are.

Thanks too to those who have quietly supported me, your offers of help are much appreciated and will always be remembered.

So don't underestimate the power of friendship.

Have I failed?

2010-05-05T18:28:00.002+08:00

When respect is not a priority - has the teacher failed? Or is it the parent's fault? Perhaps society?

Is it too much to expect a little accountability? Not that I am demanding. For who am I?

Or is the world really as selfish as people paint it to be?

I would prefer to believe in my rainbow coloured world where people are genuinely nice, friendly and behave in a well-mannered way.
I cannot and will not believe that all people are selfish, self-centred and care nothing for the feelings of others.

For if I do, then I must have failed as a teacher, mother and a part of society.

Do I not teach that one should respect another? Give them the benefit of their doubt? And be accountable for all that is done or about to be done, for everything one does affects the others in our lives?

So what compels one (who plays a central role) to up and disappear when all others are sacrificing their time - putting ALL on hold - including their health and family as well as studies while that one ( or perhaps more than one) goes off to do the things they feel are more important without even bothering to inform the others?

On the other hand, there are some team members who can even think that their presence is unnecessary? Do you not know the importance of being in a team? How can a team function when parts are missing? And as a team member, does it not occur to you that if you doubt your importance, you should double check to see if your presence is necessary rather than taking things into your own hands - declaring your SELF more important than others!

How is it that some people can and are willing to set aside tuition times, studies and other important events in their lives for people who are not?

Is it so difficult to inform the others so that perhaps those others may also get on with their lives instead of waiting for things to happen?

What manner of SELF are we dealing with?

This sort of SELF should really live on their own planet where the universe would literally revolve around them.

The basics of courtesy are lost.

And I am at a loss!

Disappointment and disillusioned am I!

A midsummer night's dream..

2010-05-02T21:48:00.003+08:00

..was absolutely wonderful and such a de-stresser.

We had such a laugh with these professional workshop actors who just stroll out in their ordinary every day clothes including flip-flops and swept us completely off our feet with their skilful acting and gob-smacking humour.

I let my hair down and laughed to my heart's content - something I badly needed and have not done in such a long time.

Although they gibbered in Shakespearean English and it took a little effort to decipher the lingo, the acting more than spoke a thousand word. Joanna Bessey also did a fantastic job as Puck and her energy and positive vibe went out to the crowd. We didn't have comfortable seats but all was forgotten the minute the lights dimmed and we were magically transported into thel realm of our imagination.

I had a great time - and I feel sorry for all those who signed up and didn't make it.

You have missed a gem. A million thanks to Pn Christina who did the legwork and arranged practically everything but didn't get to go.

I just hope this positive vibe lasts till Saturday. Hmm..

Lost it!

2010-05-01T20:12:00.002+08:00

I lost it today.
At exactly 8.45am, I lost my cool.
I think I shocked the cast cos there was no one else except the cast.
Why, you ask?

Mainly because today was supposed to be a solid 4 hour practice with cast and crew - to iron out any other niggling problems such as props and sound effect, one where the stage manager would be able to work out.

And where was everyone?
No where to be seen.

It was bad enough that it was Labour Day - the day I am officially allowed to sleep in and stay far, far, far, far away from work but..
I was there 2 mins to 8am.
No one else was there.

They dribbled in on by one and it took a whole hour before the complete cast turned up.

That got me boiling. So some people got shouted at.

I am not going to apologise because it did them good. We had 3 hours of solid work - something I can proudly say was well worth it. Of course some people slunk away without so much as goodbye while other stayed well over 12 until it was inevitable that they stop.

And I have read that the promo video for Monday is done - hurray!
I hope the flashbacks were completed too.

I want and need to see more commitment - we have only 6 days left!

The countdown begins

2010-04-29T21:44:00.003+08:00

One more week to the drama.

Today we made good progress. A friend who is the mother of a student has graciously agreed to supply nutritious food to my drama girls and I hope they will like the selection. Good food, of course does not come cheap - but it is well-worth every cent spent cos we save time instead of going to and fro home or eateries. Nothing is worse than a bunch of ravished and grumpy teenagers (myself included). Also I don't fancy worrying about missing persons in between shows.

Another thing we accomplished is getting the cheque for the costumes sorted out which normally takes weeks. Obviously the Cheshire cat mentioned in the previous post is repentant and suddenly more helpful - not that i am complaining - just an observation. Unfortunately, time was not on our side and payment will just have to wait till tomorrow.

Then we also sorted out the tickets and posters - haggle as we might- we could not bring the prices down but instead raised the amount because of the quality and quantity we insisted upon. No worries - we shall survive.

Props wise - we got the antique telephone. Thanks to Ms Tan Peay Ding! We promise to look after it.

What's left to do?
About a million other stuff - the key note is to ace the acting so that it is near perfect!

Tomorrow - I shall enjoy the hard work my Fourth Formers have poured into their choral speaking performance. They are good - they meet the time requirements and are hilariously original. Most importantly, they are confident of winning. My babes! I have made it clear that is not the objective but I guess all who work hard ultimately want to win.

Sometimes winning is everything.
But I beg to differ - the learning process is more important - so everyone, take a minute and ponder the things learnt today.
I have.
What about you?

The heat is on

2010-04-28T19:05:00.002+08:00

The race to finish the cluster money before June 2010 is heating up.

Of course it doesn't help when we are told we have a lump sum only to be told it was an error without so much as an apology and that the amount had been highly inflated.
So here we are the three stooges scrambling madly to see who can cover whose expenses best without actually bursting an artery. While the one who made the mistakes grins like the Cheshire cat licking it's lips after a hearty meal.
Where is the justice?

So heroically, the stooges turn into musketeers as one for all and all for one reigns true again!
And where is the thanks? No where!

The other race is to finish the play - which is tearing acidic holes in my gut literally. I now suffer from a mixture of indigestion and gastritis. Not that anyone (of Power) cares or notices. All they want to do is pile on more and more work.

I shall just collapse from exhaustion on the 9th of May - pardon the mess I create along the way.

What's next?

2010-04-24T20:49:00.003+08:00

Another milestone has been reached.

The girls whom I have taught from 2006 have grown up and graduated into beautifully smart and talented young ladies. Seeing them today at the prize-giving ceremony brought feelings of pride and joy, though not many came up to say Hi! Yet, the handful who did were enough to make little-old- me feel that my efforts have not gone to waste!

The end of April is fast approaching. So what's next?

Solid work - heading to the mid-year exams?

Setting of test papers?

O - An Inspector Calls!

This is a mountainous endeavour that was borne of love for Literature by my 28 students who are attempting to entice and spread this love to the ones taking the SPM exam as well as the general public.

I salute that desire, the zeal and the effort.

Some say they have bitten off more than they can chew.

Well, let me say this, nothing borne of love is ever a waste of time or effort.

So consider yourselves chastised.

And to my girls who are still hard at work, despite time constraints and many other obstacles, KUDOS I say!!!

Keep at it, we are not out to make a profit - of course it would be a bonus, but the Arts take precedence and fulfilling the dream of getting the message across is more than enough as payment.

I pray that this learning experience, the pains, the angst, the laughter and tears, the organising skills, the people frictions and the personality discoveries are just a few of the many lessons learnt from day one when the mere suggestion turned into reality.

With less than 2 weeks to go, I pray for a steady ship, sailing in the stormy seas as one - that we will conquer the greatest barrier - fear.

And I for one, am seriously looking forward to the production of An Inspector Calls.

Come join me - on the 8th of May 2010!

Self-centred and self -absorbed!

2010-04-22T20:32:00.003+08:00

I cannot believe the people I have respect for!

They seem intent on eroding this respect which I already dish out sparingly.
Why?? I just cannot comprehend.

When I am asked to do certain things which I am able to - I do it to the best of my ability. Of course, those who know me, will attest to the fact that I will grumble if it is an extra burden. Even so, I will do my best to deliver.

And yet, in order to do a good job, especially when it involves outside parties and massive amounts of money, one should and has to be careful that every cent is well-spent and is genuinely for the benefit of the students and school. Slip-shod work is certainly not my style. I know I am not perfect, but I do strive towards it.

Having said that, outside parties also have other commitments. One cannot expect them to sit around, shaking their legs awaiting my call. Of course, they aren't going to be at my beck and call. However, certain parties seem to think I have inconvenienced everyone on purpose, and harp on the fact that work started late because I didn't do my job properly! The fact that the work is being rushed, I hope no compromises are made on safety. And every rehearsal scheduled, whether pre-planned or impromptu only serves to delay work from being carried out. It would be a shame if the contractor just packs up and leaves - leaving the job completely incomplete!

If I am deemed to be inefficient, kindly get the person in-charge of the hall to search, haggle, negotiate and make all other arrangements including payment.

I am up to my nose in bureaucracy and all its snares. I am disillusioned by my so-called superiors who think everyone should bend over backwards to accommodate their whims and fancies and their haphazard schedules which do not take anyone else's viewpoint or feelings into account.

Let me take 3 steps back and kindly leave me out of the next agenda!

Is it worth it?

2010-04-21T08:10:00.003+08:00

I AM feeling the burden of paperwork!

I used to think I could and should handle it - after all teaching in a school where students actually WANT to learn must trump over every other mundane responsibility - or so I thought?
Recently, I have been wondering if it is worth it?
Or maybe my feet are itching again.

No - I think it's just the burden of work which is NOT my core business.
I long for the days when all I had to think about was going to class, preparing my lessons for it to be interesting and so my students will enjoy that one hour with me, learning and not realising that they have learnt.
But that is not the case anymore.
Prepare? What's that?
I walk into class and fret over their upcoming exams - fret when these are excellent students! Silly, aren't I? But I do!
I worry about the numbers, the statistics at the end of the day.
O no - I'm turning into a bureaucrat. What a notion!

And yet, telling my Fourth formers to actually enjoy Choral speaking rather than focus on the winning seems sinful.
But that is my intention. To have fun!
We have 5 more classes before the competition and we are no where near ready - so we might as well have fun right?

To top it off, the liaison officer for NUTP in my establishment handed out feedback forms to determine how over-burdened teachers actually are!
My first reaction was "I'm so busy I don't have time to fill up the form."
Ironic isn't it?
Then of course, you wonder if your boss would actually read your comments and find you a threat!
Another thought was, what could the NUTP actually do for us - they haven't accomplished much at all since their inception.

But I am a cynic at heart.
Do I even have a heart!?

So what's it worth in the end?
I think I have lost my way - a little.

Crash and burn

2010-04-12T20:18:00.004+08:00

I crashed out of the rat race for 3 working days last week and spent every minute feeling guilty about stuff at work

What work you may ask?

Well-

the piles of essay books vying my attention
the piles of exercise books of other English teachers I am supposed to check
the MPPH invitation letters that I have to print, put together and mail
the observation of English teachers
the filing of English letters
the activities that need constant monitoring such as debate, public speaking
the materialising of the Taekwondo T-shirt because the supplier is to busy to come see me
The purchasing and securing of lighting equipment for the hall, all installed and in pristine condition for the MPPH (only 12 days away)
all manner of administrative work that is waiting to fall on my lap
most importantly, my classes who will miss their English lessons which only means having to play catch up with other classes

This was my burden as I stayed home in order to recuperate.

So, did I? (I hear you ask)

Yes - until I stepped into the car this morning, knowing full well I am on duty this week - of all weeks.

It's Sports Day week. The busiest and most exciting week.

And what did I find?

My table was over-run with paperwork.
The key to the staffroom was missing.
The hall was in no condition for assembly. (fallen ceiling/scaffolding)
The gallery was SO hot and stuffy.
The assembly was just stretched to the max.
Verbally challenged to accomplish miracles that should have been done last week by some who hadn't even noticed my absence.

All this in a matter of 20 minutes from arrival.

I would sigh but I am not allowed. So I can just draw deep breaths and pray all will work out this week despite the hiccups of today.

I left work just after 2, completely exhausted with a migraine that still pounds as i type these letters.

p/s The court hearing was also today - next hearing 24 May 2010. SIGH!(oops)

Revival?

2010-04-07T11:46:00.002+08:00

It has been weeks since my last post and I have had a few people asking why I have stopped blogging.
The reason - I'm not sure.
I guess it's too time consuming putting down my thoughts only to be shot down by some people. Of course, it is their right to make comments and have their say but so do I.
Which is why this is my blog - not theirs.
So I have the ultimate right to say what I want or feel and if they don't like what they read - then they shouldn't come to my blog REALLY.

It may sound harsh but that is all I want to say about that.

So to my friends who have been wondering about my silence - I have been busy, extremely busy.
However, I am slightly more organised this year and I think I am up-to-date with my work, although I could be better at marking books.

Personally, I don't think I spend enough time with my own kids and it's not my fault - it's FACEBOOK. I can't wait for them to start charging to use FB then maybe I'll quit.
Ha ha - MAYBE! No promises though.

The most interesting aspect of life at the moment is it's unpredictability.

So many things can happen within one day.
A quick update -
In January, I loaned my maid to my in-laws.
In February, I got into hot soup and was accused of being racist.
I also spent my first Chinese New Year at home.
In March, I got sued. I stressed and am still stressed.
In April, I got back my maid and am no longer the slave of my household. LOL.
Not for long though as her contract ends in June.

My children are all fine. Struggling with BM but otherwise ok. If anyone knows of a good BM tuition teacher in Puchong, please let me have their contact no.
My little girl has lost her two front teeth. She looks so cute but she is growing so fast.
Time passes so quickly, I worry about everything.
Especially my Literature students. I am enjoying them more than they are me and I was just thinking that I'm not sure if I want to go through another cycle next year. It has been an adventure of pleasure and exploration - but will it be as interesting the next round? I shall miss them all next year, just like I have been missing my ex-students (2009).

In conclusion, the unpredictability is the key to an interesting life ahead.
I am learning to embrace change and surprise that life has in store for me.

Pain

2010-02-28T16:58:00.000+08:00

What do you say or do when someone tells you they want to die?

I'm sad!

Change..

2010-02-24T22:58:00.004+08:00

It has been some time since my last real post.

I guess it's because I have lost my mojo to blog. And yet I have so much I want to share - yet am not willing as there are those out there who aim, fire and hurt all in one go.

So self-preservation is important. Hence the silence.

I am encouraged with some things in my life.

I cherish the

dedication in some colleagues
maturity in my fifth formers
eagerness in my fourth formers
zest for new and challenging things in my children

I am saddened by some people's

lack of respect
premature life-changing decisions
negative attitudes
lack of morals due to peer pressure

I fear

half-baked policies which affect the future generation
the lack of sense and sensibilities
the small-mindedness of some people

I am positively challenged in my every day life and sometimes cringe yet head straight on for that is an inherent quality within my personality.

Ultimately, I love life. For all its mysteries and mind-boggling twists and turns. I stand in awe of Him.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Sigh...

2010-02-24T22:55:00.000+08:00

Thanks to all who believe and support me.

Sigh...

Accusations!

2010-02-11T20:46:00.003+08:00

Am I racist?

How?

Since when?

People who know me, pls answer this question. After all these years of teaching Malaysians - regardless of race, religion, skin colour and whatever else - I can sincerely say I AM NOT!

But, if you think I am, please let me know - so that I may change.

To be hurt or to hurt?

2010-01-26T12:35:00.002+08:00

People are funny creatures really.

Not funny haha but strange and yet this is what sets one individual apart from the other.

We hurt ourselves and others through the things we say and do and even when we fail to say or do certain things expected of us.

I apologise for sounding profound.
Let me give you a case in point.

A loves B and B loves A.

A and B have promised to love in sickness and in health, till death do they part.

Yet, however much love A showers B with, B can only see A's faults and hounds A with them.
However, B just can't bear to be apart from A for any length of time exceeding half an hour.

Sound familiar? A little stifling you might think, but they really do adore each other.

So, one day, B is hungry and makes A get B some food. A, not feeling too well, obliges. A cycles out for some take-away and has a minor accident on the way. Meanwhile, B is impatiently awaiting, pacing and feeling hunger pangs.

When A arrives, B pounces on A and chastises A for being late. Pulling a face, B feigns reluctance to eat. A, on the other hand, looks for sympathy and attention by relating A's accident. B responds by accusing A of riding too fast instead of showing any concern. A turns away disappointed, bitter and angry muttering that it would be the last time A did any favours. B, unnerved reponds with lightning speed, that B would be fine and promptly refuses to eat.
This is the beginning of a cold war - which ends with one on a 3 day hunger strike, resulting in B being warded in the local hospital and the other non-chalantly detached.

The point of the above story is a lesson for all of us, regardless of age, gender and race. Why do we persist in such futile acts, when the end result is only hurt. Hurt all around, pain in every which way, not only for the parties concerned but also for those who have been plucked out of their daily routines to be peacemakers and care providers who were put on the spot for loving and worrying about them.

Please, let us love without hurt. For in the end, words uttered in the heat of the moment cannot be retracted and all the sorry proffered is of little use when a fragile heart is hurt, bruised, fractured, cracked or broken.

Twin?

2010-01-22T21:08:00.003+08:00

Today, as I was leaving work, I was literally dragged into the hall to meet my twin.

Who? Someone named Cindy, who was there to inspire and motivate the Fifth Formers during their session of PMD.

So, who is Cindy? From our brief hello, I was informed that she spoke like me and even laughed like me. Similar size and height. So we must be related. Right? Unfortunately, I had to rush off as my son was waiting to be picked up from school and so we didn't get the chance to chat.

The girls, however, seemed thrilled. So I hope that episode made your day.

Life's funny like that, don't you think?

Question?

2010-01-11T19:19:00.003+08:00

A lot has happened from friday till now.

I have no intention of discussing friday's incidences but rather about my personal reactions.

I have been a Christian since 1991. God is my personal saviour and I have no qualms letting my friends and acquaintances know this fact.

And I have gone on evangelistic camps, prayed with total strangers and even been hurled insults for my beliefs. This was when I was single and carefree. I have always regarded these as part of the challenges of my calling. For through trials and tribulations do we champion His cause.

Life has been comfortable for me and being in Malaysia has made me complacent. Now I have been married almost 15 years and have three school-going children.

So Friday jolted me out of my comfort zone. My first priority was the safety of my family. Ikept my children home, in the nest of safety. I trusted that my actions were not one of panic but of rational thinking. And I realised that prayer was important to help us through Friday.

Then came Saturday, a day when people of all races and religions came forward in peace to make amends and forgive. Sunday came and went too - with no untoward incidences. And all was back to normal.

And yet, today as I listened to a gospel song, the lyrics pricked me again and again.

Here I am Lord,

Is it me Lord?

So where was my willingness to stick out my neck for Him?

Was I being called to defend Him?

Would I have answered Yes, here I am?

Don't get me wrong.

I am speaking on a spiritual level - would I be willing to march in the army of God - now?

Now that I am older?

Now that I have a family who depend on me?

Now that I have a family I am supposed to protect?

This is a war within myself -

between God and I...

First Week

2010-01-08T11:49:00.000+08:00

I have survived!

It's over - only 40+ to go.

Sigh...

A day of firsts!

2010-01-04T17:29:00.002+08:00

First day of school and work in a new year!

Survived it and actually enjoyed it.

The first day we are awarded High Performance School. (the last day as cluster?)

The first day my second son goes to school all alone.

The first day my daughter is in the afternoon session - alone.

The first day my eldest embarks on his secondary school life.

The first time I sit through a Form One orientation as a parent.

The first time I look at my department and I am happy.

Thanks for the firsts - let the seconds, thirds and so forth be as pleasant.

Hooray!

2010-01-03T21:24:00.002+08:00

There's no escaping now - tomorrow is inevitable.

So let's embrace it it with warm, open arms. And give the new year a gr8 big HUG!

I was asked today by people smaller and younger than me, through the clouds of their own trepidation for tomorrow - Is it nice being a teacher?

I paused, pondered and answered - YES!

So, I guess I AM ready!

Hello 2010!

Greetings!

2009-12-25T15:20:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

May you truly feel the blessings of God! And the wonders of Christmas!

I only have one wish - can someone please hold January back for another month or so???

For the curious cats out there!

2009-12-04T22:54:00.004+08:00

It's been a ball - doing nothing - except my favourites - reading, watching tv and shopping. And of course FB.

It all started on

Sun 22/11 - Take in-laws took to Teluk Intan

Mon -Wed 23-25/11 Vacation Bible Studies (Outrigger Island)

Wed 25/11 - JCard day

Thurs 26/11 - Ikano/The Curve

Fri 27/11 - Chilled

Sat 28/11 - Chilled

Sun 29/11 - Admitted my uncle into IJN

Mon 30/11 - Chilled

Tues 1/12 - SPM duty in sch

Wed 2/12 - Watched New Moon

Thurs 3/12 - Mid-valley

Fri 4/12 - Ikano/Ikea

So far, it's been great. Especially not knowing what day it is!

Except when my phone rings and it says *** **** calling. Then i freak!

Thank God

2009-11-24T16:07:00.002+08:00

You know - being healthy is taken for granted a lot.

I accompanied my hubby to Putrajaya Hospital for a regular eye check-up and there were throngs of ppl - all ages, sizes and colour.

If you have never seen living proof of 1Malaysia - this is the place to be.

And it is sad that ppl don't look after their health better. By this, I mean like broken arms and legs, infected eyes and such. Of course, serious cases like cancer and other debilitating diseases aren't self-inflicted.

Then, there are those silent killers which no one sees but occasionally hear about when a loved one suddenly succumbs, for example, a stroke or a heart attack.

But from my observation, there are many out there who can't seem to walk properly, be it from weak legs or overweight, who need a wheelchair for a myriad of reasons, who are in one cast or rather, and those on crutches make up a few handfuls too.

We take for granted our limbs, our senses and until we have an injured little finger, or pinky, we fail to realise the importance of this little finger - even when doing up a button.

So let us take time, to look after ourselves better, to appreciate good health and be grateful for all that we have - if not for our own sake, then for the sakes of our loved ones, those near and dear to our hearts. For they are the ones who suffer when we are ill.

Results

2009-11-19T12:44:00.005+08:00

My son did it - he scored 5As in the UPSR exam.

It's not unbelievable, it's just awesome to be a parent to a child who's gifted.

I didn't realise it would hit me this way. I didn't realise it would mean so much to me for him to achieve the As that I have always known he's capable of. And yet the not knowing was doing insane things to my guts. The waiting and anticipation of What if..? really did my head in. All I wanted to do was snatch the results out of the teacher's hands. As I stood behind him as he got them, I felt proud of my eldest child that his first reaction was to hug and thank his teacher, the one who had looked at him with hope and love when he was in Standard One. The same teacher who had guided and encouraged him to realise his full potential.

He is ecstatic and is definitely sharing the joy with his friends in the above picture. Congrats to Alex and all his friends - for they have done all their parents proud, done the school proud and had fun doing it.

Paperwork

2009-11-18T13:32:00.001+08:00

The bane of work has to be - paperwork!

I hate it, I hate it and when can I get rid of it?

Please can someone take over!??

Pretty, pretty please.

Another chapter?

2009-11-16T21:42:00.002+08:00

I have submitted my essays which I haven't looked at in the last week. Not that I didn't care but they just didn't warrant any more attention and I was pleased with them so I let them be.

After the anxiety of getting them sent on time, the relief was immense. I could feel the tension slip out of my system. It doesn't matter if they only get a 3, I would be just as happy. Of course a 4 will mean more monetary reward but...(more work?)

The journey back was hilarious as we couldn't decide if we were heading to KL, Dengkil or KLIA. The signages were so vague, we ended up appreciating the different designs of lamposts and vast greenery of Putrajaya. Finally, we made an illegal U turn in front of the police station and proved we were utterly lost by almost heading to KL via MEX. Luckily for me, my wonderful hubby, who is familiar with this area, pointed out the right direction and within minutes we were heading home. Handy - this thing called the handphone! Of course, hubby was more than handy too.

It was an exciting day of all sorts, as my eldest son had to register for secondary school. He was ecstatic and couldn't wait to have a glimpse of the school or rather check it out in his words. Well, as we all know, it rained all day. So when he finally got to the school, he didn't traipse through the school as it was wet. He only managed the bookshop and where they had gathered. I guess first impressions are important. His words were - I think it will be exciting. The damper was when he was thrown an ultimatum to choose a stream for KH which will determine which class he would be placed into. Daddy wasn't about to be intimidated into making an uninformed choice and he promptly left the form blank after kicking up a fuss. However, the other poor parents weren't so well-versed and cowered with fear, in case their child was rejected by the school. It's hard to decide when they don't even know their options. How any school can force someone to make an instantaneous decision is truly beyond me.

I guess I would have chosen Commerce for my son. He is inclined that way and not very handy with his hands. I just hope they don't dump him in the wrong class with the wrong company. Secretly, I hope my hubby isn't too pleased with the school and will agree to change him to another. Of course, this will depend on my son's results. Thursday isn't too far away.

So I look forward to a few more days in school, to tie up all lose ends and close this chapter too.

Still Learning

2009-11-12T15:24:00.002+08:00

I have just returned from attending a 2 day conference on Teaching English Language and I must say it has been invigorating. It has reminded me of all the joy and hard work I put into learning and acquiring these skills 18 long years ago. And the best part, these skills which I have learnt and used for the last 18 years have evolved through experience and it is gratifying to know that I have evolved in the right direction and have not lost my touch.

Of course, having great company and meeting up with friends from different parts of the world doing the same kind of thing is very reassuring to know that everyone is in pursuit of the same thing - excellence in the teaching and learning of English Language.

I never thought I'd ever meet anyone I had studied before but I did.

I never thought I'd enjoy story time but I did.

I never thought I'd meet a legend in jazz chants but I did.

I never thought I could laugh so hard at the antics teachers can pull off when their guard is down but I did.

I never thought I could attend so many sessions of learning in a day but I did.

And I enjoyed every moment of it.

Of course, I would have enjoyed a couple of hours to roam the town of Melaka but there was no time for that.

It is good to get away and recharge your motivation, self-appreciation and renew your love for your vocation.

I feel like a spring, all wound up and ready to go - only to come back to paperwork and filing. Ouch!

Apologies

2009-11-08T20:43:00.003+08:00

I now remember with great conviction why I don't want to do my Masters in Malaysia.

After having written 2 super long essays in BM, (yes I did it!) I remember why. Not that I had wanted to in the first place but that is besides the point.

My main concern is the rigidity of the Malaysian education system. They spew out a question that you are supposed to be inspired to write about but are so concerned over the keywords in the question that all inspiration to think out of the box literally falls OUT of the box. Why the need to be so fussy? Does the essence of the original question not hold water at all? Or is it because the person marking is so programmed to only be able to identify keywords in the answer, therefore not able to accept any other answers?

What have we become that education has deteriorated to the sewers? I am part of the said system. And sad to say, that if I were to teach and mark according to the non-conventional system, accepting answers that are out of the box and requiring creative and critical thinking skills, am I therefore condemning my students in their major exams because the markers are the total opposite? What predicament have I caused my students?

And yet, it pains me that I will no longer be able to teach my Form 5 students as they have come to the end of their journey. It was a bitter sweet day, last Friday for the sky too felt our sorrow as little droplets fell from the sky. My only desire is to wish them well. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. It is indeed my good fortune.

So to those of you about to sit for the dreaded SPM, GOOD LUCK.

Happy Birthday to the Love of my life

2009-10-31T12:32:00.004+08:00

Thank you for the wonderful years we have had. You have been the perfect gentleman all our married life and never have you thought of yourself first.

Your love for peace and quiet has always been shattered by all the noise in your life but be reminded it is a sound of joy and this brings cheer to your life, right?

I wish you all the blessing God can shower you with and may the angels blow the trumpets to your favourite song around you!

I know our children also wish the same for you and know that we love you with all our hearts.

Have a Great Day!

Dining with the Queen.

2009-10-29T19:22:00.002+08:00

Which queen?

The Queen - we have a queen?

You mean the Queen of England?

Or is it the rock band?

Well, it is our own Permaisuri Agung.

She is OUR Queen.

Yup. Unbelievable isn't it - we are dining with her tomorrow.

So much preparation and hype and yet it is only just sinking in.

Scary..the protocol involved. So many rules and regulations. So many things we didn't know.

Skirts must be 3 inches below the knees. What happens if you are naturally short?

No trousers or long pants allowed. No reason given.

Nothing mentioned about showing wrists, elbow, arms or shoulders.

No wearing anything yellow.

Are we supposed to look down as respect?

Curtsy or bow?

Are we supposed to eat at her pace, slower than her or...

What if she gets up off her chair. Are we expected to stand too?

So many questions but vague answers like " o you know the usual thing.."

But I don't know. I have never dined with royalty.

Have you?

Good luck to those performing tomorrow.

Agony

2009-10-27T17:39:00.002+08:00

It is sheer agony stepping into work only to be accosted by people who like to blow their own trumpet.

Not only that, they insist on rubbing your nose into the dirt just to make sure you got their message.

Why is it some people are so plain thick that they don't know when to back off?

It is bad enough that work is being frisbee-ed towards me from all directions but to have my nose dirtied too is just too much.

I know I am not managing work well, but I am trying my best to stay afloat. I have some great friends and a handful of great colleagues who are helping me keep all the crockery spinning on the bamboo poles - Thanks guys. Every ounce of help is greatly appreciated.

If members of other panels can feel the burden of work in a cluster school, try doubling or tripling the niche area's work and then maybe offer me a hand.

It is not surprising that I am not in the groove with all that is happening in and around work, I'm still stuck in the first groove which has just got deeper.

How I long for the days of 2004 -2006. Heaven couldn't have smelt more fragrant.

Sigh..God, please grant me grace.

To be able to accept the change that is about to bulldoze into me from now till 2010.

Gruntings

2009-10-25T09:00:00.002+08:00

I have been moaning about work - a lot.

Last night, I was reminded that if one believes and has enough faith to ask, one will receive.

That has got me worried.

I do believe I am not cut out for all these responsibilities.

I do believe that someone else can do a better job.

I do believe that I am a lousy administrator.

I do believe my forte is in class.

And it has affected my health.

So if I believe the above, and have been moaning and groaning, will my wish be granted?

It has before, so maybe it will again.

I don't know how much more I can take.

It's taking a toll on me, paddling against the tide.

However, I know and have been reminded, that from people with much, much is expected.

Yet, I feel I have failed.

And in this failure, I will (and have) disappoint the ones closest and dearest to me.

For this, I apologise.

Not part of the crowd.

2009-10-19T08:30:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I realised that I don't fit in.

And the best realisation - I'm happy not fitting in.

Why?

I guess it's because I am happy where I am and with who I am.

I am sorry to say that although I would love to be a lady of leisure, the mentality of these ladies scare me. The time on their hands (though I admit - household chores and family are indeed a full-time job) seem to make them all defensive and barby.

I have recently complained that the hours in a day seem insufficient to cope with all that is hurled my way and yet I was kindly reminded that God doesn't put more than what we can chew on our plate.

This I humbly realise - IS true.

Yes, we all need to learn to prioritise.

I have and am constantly reviewing my priorities.

My children and some students would say I spend a lot of my time on Facebook.

Yeah I do.

So what? I do get my work done.

Albeit a little slower than I used to, but I get them done.

So confessions aside - I have given up some of my Facebook activities.

But I digress. (as usual)

These ladies I refer to seem to eye me with a certain disdain - as though I do not place enough attention and care on my children. Or so I feel. The vibe is so strong and repulsive that I cannot bear being in their company for too long.

Don't get me wrong - I love my children. All three of them. I also love my students whom I treat as my children. I want what is best for them. A wholesome, rounded life that includes getting straight As as well as having fun. Yet, not sending them for brain-building lessons or camps and the best tuition or the most expensive private school doesn't mean I love them any less.

I don't do charity work.

I don't campaign for the animals in the world.

I don't volunteer at the local SPCA or hospital.

I don't visit old folks homes or orphanages.

It doesn't mean I don't want to.

It just means I don't have that luxury of time on my hands to do all the well-meaning things you ladies can.

So don't judge me as weak or uncaring.

I care.

But the best part,

I don't have to prove you right or wrong.

For a friend..

2009-10-12T19:49:00.003+08:00

I don't quite know how to say this but

Let GOD brace you,

arm you with Grace

to remind you of His way

becos in His eyes

You are perfect,

You just can't see it.

So if you are confused about where and how

Just know that things will change

Those 3 words you long to hear

are said too much.

Too easily,

They don't hold the same meaning anymore

Cos for it to mean something,

It has to be accompanied by action.

So don't think you have to do it all alone

Or that you don't need anyone

Cos if you lay it on Him

And forget about the world

You will find the answers you are searching for...

Gratitude

2009-10-08T20:09:00.003+08:00

You know, it has been a whirlwind of 5 years since I stepped on Cluster soil (ha ha it wasn't cluster then but i digress)

And the last 5 years have been a good mixture of bliss and agony, more former than latter, thankfully.

Bliss because, for the first time after 12 years of teaching, I got students who were actually sponges, soaking in all that i had to teach. Of course, there were students who wanted to learn then but not the majority. And yet it was fulfilling because it was challenging - to help those who can't and won't and didn't see the importance of English in their simple lives. In Sri Aman, the challenges were/are different and yet just as important. Here we hone their skills to excellence. We shape not only the academics but the person and her character. (If you are Sri Amanian, you may disagree but it's ok)

Agony because ... this is hard to describe. Probably because I am unwilling to face up to the challenges personally in my career. I have always maintained that my love is teaching, not in administrative work. And this is where I am challenged. I have been told that I am capable of being Guru Cemerlang, Guru Inovatif, Guru Pakar and whatever. None of these appeal to me in the least.

Why?

I detest paperwork. I do not see the significance of wonderfully laid out plans in black and white but when carried out, it comes to nought. I can write the BEST lesson plan but if my lesson in class is a failure, where students don't learn anything and are disinterested, then I am a failure. So, my focus is on the students. Always has and always will be. A word to those pushing me into a corner, lay off before push comes to shove. If I deserve any of those titles, grant them to me. Don't ask me to apply for them. Thank you.

Back to what inspired me to blog today.

Invigilating PMR has reminded me how capable Sri Amanians are. I have been reminded of how students struggle to form simple sentences, how to read and understand the instructions of the questions that lay before them, to actually form their thoughts into comprehensible words. And it is indeed a struggle. It is sad to see them put off by the test paper and head into snooze land because they can't manage. However, I think it would be such a challenge to help these students because they are eager learners with wonderful humility and manners. They have landed a hook in my heart.

I compare them with Sri Amanians who with the skill and abilities, devour the questions and churn out pages and pages of answers to the bane of those who have to mark.

What a contrast!

It is with gratitude in my heart that I say I am glad to be in Sri Aman.

But as far as challenges go, who knows when I will fidget and seek greener pastures?

October

2009-10-02T22:34:00.001+08:00

It's been almost a month since my last post and I still don't have much to say except:

it's October and the heat is still on. When will it let up?

Sinking ship

2009-09-09T19:27:00.002+08:00

It's hard work trying to patch a holey boat and paddle at the same time with a full load but only half the manpower.

Just when I thought I had mended all the holes, one member springs a surprise and makes it leak again.

Then one riddled with apathy punctures yet another hole.

While dealing with the first problem, the captain yells out a change in course.

As we manoeuvre the tight corner, another throws a spanner in the works. It is hard to defend these compatriots.

While I appreciate the dedicated members of the team, I am tired.

When should I throw in the towel?

Cynical

2009-09-03T22:55:00.004+08:00

That's what I am at the moment.

And it scares me that my cynicism is or may rub off on my students.
I teach them more than the text, beyond the syllabus and unfortunately my feelings, my outlook and even my views are influencing them.

These poor souls will probably be scarred for life. (if they aren't already)

So if you disagree with what I say in class, feel free. It is your right.

After all it is just little ole me talking.

My opinions are mine.

You can't take them away from me.

You may attempt to change my mind, but you surely can't wrest them away.

So let us agree to disagree.

The year is fast coming to an end - and I will miss my form 5 class and all the fifth formers as I have taught a majority of them thru their 5 years.

They have been an invigorating challenge to my days at work and I hope I have challenged them as well. Perhaps Millie would like to comment after finally being in my class. (LOL)

Today was our last official class before the trials and I would like to say.

Thanks for a great year!

Drive has gone

2009-09-01T22:50:00.002+08:00

My blog is dead.

And the drive to revive it is not there.

Not because nothing interesting is happening in my life.

Not because I am at a loss for words.

Definitely not because I have no time to go online.

I don't think anyone is reading this page any more. So..perhaps..sayonara?

Or,

Maybe what I have to say is so filtered, it has lost impact.

There are actually loads on my mind and yet..

the content is unsuitable for public perusal for it will cause heartache and pain. Some of which has been affecting me.

Life (** ********) has changed - and that is sad.

Things must change - for the better - or else, it will be a dead end. And we, all of us, must make it happen. Are you ready for change?

Refresher..

2009-08-15T20:58:00.002+08:00

Today I had another walk down memory lane.. back to school.

Instead of heading to the school that I work in, some pals and I headed down to Sunway University College to attend the English for Specific Academic Purposes (ESAP) Syomposium. What is that you may ask? Just to enlighten you in the shortest of summaries, a refresher course on the teaching of English for this day and age.

And I must say, I was absolutely looking forward to it. I love learning as much as teaching and the first thing that hit me was the expectation of uncertainty. I didn't know what was to be expected and that was thrilling. To learn something new, something wonderful and useful is such a breath of fresh air. Not that I was stale, but it's good to keep up with the times.

So what did I learn from 9am to 5 pm - LOTS.

the teacher plays an important role.

i.e. good teacher + good lesson = great class/good learning

good teacher + poor lesson = good class/moderate learning

weak teacher + good lesson = lousy class/less learning

weak teacher + poor lesson = lousy class/no learning

it's good to be unpredictable
teaching does not mean learning has taken place
no lesson can be repeated
every class is different
individual personality is something Ts must cherish
Ts comments can kill ( I'm sorry!)
our education needs SEVERE revamping
some people are dynamic teachers
we have to move with the times
my first love is still teaching
it's great to be a student again

I miss being a student.

I even miss being a teacher.

I don't think I have taught much this year.

Can I please just be A teacher?

Not administrator.

So to all my poor students for the year - I sincerely and humbly apologise.

A funny read!

2009-08-14T11:25:00.001+08:00

25 THINGS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall off of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with
me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15.. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn ?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

Growing up??

2009-08-11T21:22:00.003+08:00

It has been 25 years since I last saw my friend and ex-classmate, R. My first question, after the preliminary hellos, was 'How many kids do you have?' only to be surprised by 'I'm not sure how to answer that but I'm not married.'

My bad. She looked married and motherly. Again - my bad.

After a couple of hours catching up, I realise time has stood still for R. She still lives with her parents and has the same girly giggle of a seventeen year old. (No offence to all 17 yr-olds reading this) The same person I knew way back when. Then it hits me - does growing up, away and older make us any wiser?

I know we're all older, we have matured along the way and yet some part of remains as a child, a teenager, a single individual waiting to achieve greatness.

I wonder what I would be like if I had not taken the road that I have.

I actually can't imagine anything remotely possible because after much reflection, after going through all the hardships I have had, I would not change a single moment of my last 25 years cos that journey has moulded me into the person that I am. This persona is a product of every chip, chisel, friction, smelting and refining that God has chosen to put me through. I am sure I could have turned out better had I let Him mould me more but I know with great certainty tha I could have very well turned out worse. So as I said, I have no regrets, only gratitude for since baptism, I know my path is the one He has chosen for me and for that I am eternally grateful.

Learning History to some is a folly, but for many, it is to learn from past mistakes and to prevent a repetition of such mistakes. However, if we continually look backwards, we may mis-step and inevitably fall. So, live today as if there is no tomorrow therefore not having another chance to change anything. Cherish the seconds, minutes, hours and moments which cannot be captured by the camera but only the photographic memory, holding on to all that is sweet and discarding all that tend to leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

Meeting up with long-lost or semi-new friends is always a pleasure. It is fun to reminisce, because each person remembers events and happenings in a different light. Some with more impact, some with a blur and some with trauma.

The best part, is the laughter.

It is a unique way of purging the system of all toxicity, grudges and ill feelings.

It helps put perspective on life now, in the present and it helps us move forward with a renewed energy of sorts.

No, I would not want to be 17 again, or 21 or even 24. I am older now, hopefully wiser too.

This post is not meant to take a stab at my friend R. Forgive me if it has. I needed this opportunity to reflect on the changes in me. R was just the catalyst of this reflection.

He's 12!

2009-08-05T21:58:00.003+08:00

My eldest is 12 today. The final year of childhood per se before the teenage years.

I'm really proud of him because he is the ultimate 'kor kor' who always gives in to the younger ones and never hits back. He is a sensible boy who is able to rationalise beyond his age and always takes other people's feelings into consideration. My other two are on the opposite ends of the yard stick, probably because kor kor has spoiled them, allowed them privileges they didn't deserve and loved them more than they realise. I only have to look at the others to see how mature my little boy is.

Yet, this is the stage I fear.

Not because I am losing him.

Nor because he is growing up.

I see how my neighbour has yelling matches daily with her 15 year old and it scares me.

I cannot bear the thought of my son shouting at me or vice versa.

Nor can I bear the silent wars that may rage.

I have a healthy relationship with him now. He tells me a lot of stuff and we have always been open. Yet, we have, in our own ways, little secrets that are privy to ourselves.

To all the teenagers reading this, tell me how you communicate with your parents. Or even, why and what makes you stop communicating?

I think I have a pretty healthy and open relationship with my students, but, and this is a very BIG but, they are not my own.

Will my relationship with my own child be able to remain as open?

I surely pray it will.

Are you feverish?

2009-08-03T11:06:00.001+08:00

Lots of people are sick. It's a fact!

We're all running low on fuel and I hope and pray that my immunity is up-to-date.

Nobody wants to be sick - but some people are and those who aren't should learn to keep their mouths quiet and not ask stupid questions like:

How come she's sick?

Why is she always getting sick?

Oh, she passed it to her children?

Who was sick first?

These questions do no good - contrary they are harmful and toxic.

What is required is a little sympathy and a huge dollop of love to help the other person out.

Let us all learn to empathise, be grateful we are well and most importantly pray for a speedy recovery.

Try again!

2009-07-25T11:23:00.003+08:00

It has been a long-time observation of mine that children and teenagers these days are less resilient than in my time. I say this because they give up too easily, before they've even tried. Their excuse - I can't do it.

Does this mean their BEST is actually 'I'll try'?

So when they say 'I'll try' what does it actually mean? See first? If I have time? If God allows it?

Let me give you an example -

Miss X : I can't find the my book.

Mum: 'Look for it in your drawer'

Miss X: I looked - it's not there!

Mum: (searching thru the drawer) See! I told you it's here!

Miss X: I didn't see it.

This is cos she never even looked.

Example 2:

Y: I'm not going to school tomorrow.

Dad: Why?

Y: Tired.

Dad: Won't you miss lessons?

Y: I'll catch up. Won't miss much. Anyway, need a rest.

This cos he hasn't finished his homework.

Example 3:

Teacher: So this assignment is due tomorrow.

Student: Ok. I'll do my best.

Teacher: Any problems?

Student: Nope

Next day -

Teacher: Where is your work?

Student: Haven't finished.

Teacher: Let me see how far you got?

Student: Haven't even started.

This cos promises are easy and worthless.

So what has gone wrong? Is it the lack of parental guidance?

Is it that people's expectations are lower?

What happened to the sayings -

Never give up.

Try and try again till you succeed.

I find this apathetic attitude very hard to swallow because I don't teach this. Never in my 18 years of service.

It's difficult to unlearn these behaviours.

To always have an excuse when things don't go your way is such a cop out.

If you can't hack little obstacles in your way, how can you expect to conquer the world?

I dread to see predict what our future leaders will be in 10 -20 years' time.

Cos I can just see the Prime Minister of the day saying -I'm tired today - so I'm taking the day off.

Can you??

Are you guilty?

mum

2009-07-22T19:55:00.000+08:00

Gonna be keeping mum for a while - don't feel like sharing for now. Sorry!