Slipping...
It feels like I am walking on ice or an oily path.
I think I am on the brink of depression and yet can't quite put my finger on it. Not sure what the problem is.
Don't get me wrong. Every day, I get up and count my blessings. They are innumerable. I am grateful to the Almighty for giving me good health, a loving and supportive family and food (of choice) on the table always.
Satisfaction on the professional path is not there. I guess that it the crux of the problem.
For the last 6 years or so, going to work, knowing I make a difference and feeling needed was what drove me. Now, it is hard to find that drive to get out of bed. The thought of teaching people who have no desire to learn anything let alone better themselves. I know they will rejoice if I am absent and yet when I am (rarely) they ask after me - as though they had missed me. Have they?
It is hard trying to convince them that they could be better when they are stubbornly grounded in their comfort zone of 'doing nothing'. WHY should they change? Lack of ambition or failure to see the necessity of a better future seems to be their problem. However, is it their fault? If they have never been exposed to such possibilities, can one person, namely me, possibly change their future? I believe the answer is YES.
And yet, this uphill task is indeed difficult. Let me describe it in a different manner.
Let's say you see a mountain ahead. Your task is to climb it. It is hard and yet slippery. In order to make the first step, one has to first etch out a step - a firm footing. With each step carved and etched slowly, there are other elements that come into play. Rain, moss, and even mudslides - sometime all at once. It gets harder and harder. The minute you think you are making progress, other elements come to destroy and hinder.
My feeling at this moment is one of lethargy. For every step I take, I am pushed three steps back. It feels like a waste of time.
Should I stop struggling and let the quicksand take over? The answer has to be NO. And yet..
Apathy IS debilitating disease. It seems to have affected the people in this place. Not only the students but the staff too. They are very comfortable with what the see is not their problem. SO everyone doesn't care - therefore there is no necessity to do anything about anything. I loathe it and yet I can feel it seeping into my veins. Consciously, I am aware of its slender fingers grappling onto me. My task is to NOT let it squeeze the life out of me. This is much harder when I am tired.
There is so much uncertainty. I need to see the light or at least a mirage of it at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe I need a different path. That I leave to Divine intervention.
I think I am on the brink of depression and yet can't quite put my finger on it. Not sure what the problem is.
Don't get me wrong. Every day, I get up and count my blessings. They are innumerable. I am grateful to the Almighty for giving me good health, a loving and supportive family and food (of choice) on the table always.
Satisfaction on the professional path is not there. I guess that it the crux of the problem.
For the last 6 years or so, going to work, knowing I make a difference and feeling needed was what drove me. Now, it is hard to find that drive to get out of bed. The thought of teaching people who have no desire to learn anything let alone better themselves. I know they will rejoice if I am absent and yet when I am (rarely) they ask after me - as though they had missed me. Have they?
It is hard trying to convince them that they could be better when they are stubbornly grounded in their comfort zone of 'doing nothing'. WHY should they change? Lack of ambition or failure to see the necessity of a better future seems to be their problem. However, is it their fault? If they have never been exposed to such possibilities, can one person, namely me, possibly change their future? I believe the answer is YES.
And yet, this uphill task is indeed difficult. Let me describe it in a different manner.
Let's say you see a mountain ahead. Your task is to climb it. It is hard and yet slippery. In order to make the first step, one has to first etch out a step - a firm footing. With each step carved and etched slowly, there are other elements that come into play. Rain, moss, and even mudslides - sometime all at once. It gets harder and harder. The minute you think you are making progress, other elements come to destroy and hinder.
My feeling at this moment is one of lethargy. For every step I take, I am pushed three steps back. It feels like a waste of time.
Should I stop struggling and let the quicksand take over? The answer has to be NO. And yet..
Apathy IS debilitating disease. It seems to have affected the people in this place. Not only the students but the staff too. They are very comfortable with what the see is not their problem. SO everyone doesn't care - therefore there is no necessity to do anything about anything. I loathe it and yet I can feel it seeping into my veins. Consciously, I am aware of its slender fingers grappling onto me. My task is to NOT let it squeeze the life out of me. This is much harder when I am tired.
There is so much uncertainty. I need to see the light or at least a mirage of it at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe I need a different path. That I leave to Divine intervention.
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